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Liberals & Conservatives Demystified!

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How the fuck can American voters be so stupid?! Seriously! George Bush has got to be like the worst president ever. He's an incompetent moron! Any idiot could see that. And who the hell are these rightwing fucking Christians who think God told him to vote for them? Seriously, who are they? Why do they even exist? Seriously, fuck the South, I'm not kidding. They're a bunch of ignorant fucking morons who marry their cousins and go on Jerry Springer to show their fucking tits and then they want to put the Bible in public school and the goddamn 10 Commandments in their buildings next to the Confederate flag? Who are these people who voted for Bush? Seriously, we should have let these people secede the first time around. They have no excuse to be alive, don't you agree with me? And why are the Democrats such wimps who can't win an election, honestly don't you think Jesus is more like a Democrat than these fucking ignorant Republicans. At least that's the way I learned it that Jesus wanted to help the poor and shit. He should help these morons get a clue, that's who Jesus should help. I mean seriously America is insane. It's like a fucking third world country, you'd think we were in the dark ages or something. Is it time to get the hell out? I mean is America a doomed country? Every other nation in the world thinks we're a bunch of arrogant fucking moron bullies thanks to our chimpanzee of a President. If you can't tell, I'm pretty fed up these days. But seriously, I'm confused. I thought moral values meant something substantial like having respect for your fellow man not banning gay marriage and shit. I mean who are these people to talk? Most of them can barely read I bet. I mean I really need to understand - I need to understand these morons. I don't get it. Help me out here, I'm sure you have a logical answer. WHY DO THESE PEOPLE EXIST??!!!

All righty then. First, I would like to present you with a very prestigious award for best rant on this site of 2004. Lots of people are disgruntled by the election but you have chosen to express yourself with a masterpiece of incoherent rage that I think truly speaks to anyone who's ever been in an incoherent rage. So many people don't take the time to express themselves in all their incoherent raging glory and American public life suffers for it! Consider yourself a public spirited citizen and give yourself many points for that. Plus I love your line about Jesus should help these people get a clue.

Okay, now on to the logical answers. You actually bring up a lot of questions, but we'll handily break them down into two underlying clumps of issues. The first issue we are going to politely rephrase as - why do people who disagree with me exist? And can this phenomenon be stopped? The second question we will politely rephrase as what the fuck is up with this Christianity/God shit? What's going on here?

Okey doke, then, so all we have to do then is logically explain both God and politics. That should be easy! Reducing incredibly complex and vast subjects of profound historical import as well as continous disagreement and contention that have baffled the minds of the most profound thinkers of humanity to incredibly simple and logical (yet opinionated and non-scientifically validated) concepts is our speciality here. This will be an absolute breeze!

All right - we'll explain politics first. It's more boring, unfortunately, but we will spice things up by insulting every human being who has lived, mocking and deriding all concerned. This will be loads of fun and since you are in a pretty fed up mood, this should be just the ticket for you and help restore both your faith in humanity as well as your mood and general satisfaction with life. Okay, no wait a minute, actually it's going to demolish your faith in humanity but you don't have much left anyway, so it's no big loss, right?

To explain politics and why people you hate exist, we are going to divide human beings into two major groups. This is bogus because people don't really belong to two major groups, but that fact is entirely irrelevant because the human brain loves to divide people into two major groups! It loves it so much it can hardly stand how excited it gets when it figures out how to divide people into two opposite groups. And who am I to argue with the human brain? No one, that's who. You're not going to catch me arguing with the human brain because I always lose. I worship at the altar of the human brain, fucked up as it is, and it is very fucked up. We are best buds, the human brain and I. So I am going to go along with it. Besides, all your best theories start with two major oppositions.

The two groups are going to be called by the very unfortunately boring names "Conservatives" and "Liberals". For strict accuracy we should really call them "Fuckheads" and "Sickos", but sadly both groups will get confused and suddenly start thinking they're fuckheads when really they're sickos and vice versa. Neither side is too quick on the uptake as we'll see. So we are going to use the boring old conservative and liberal words because strangely enough, people actually hardly ever get confused by these unwieldy and inaccurate terms.

So here's the deal. You are born. This happens because evolution favors reproduction whether it's a good idea or not. As a result, you and a lot of other fuckheads and sickos are born. You have a body and inside are many fascinating body parts, all of which function with a greater or lesser degree of amazing dexterity. Some of these body parts perceive things, such as the outside world and the internal signals that other body parts are sending them. These perceptions are processed by your brain which immediately gets disgruntled because a) it doesn't much like the outside world a lot of the time because it's dangerous and painful; and b) it's not that crazy about the other body parts because they are busy informing it that the outside world is dangerous and painful. On these small facts, the entire edifice of politics rests.

Not all body parts are created equal. Some are good at perceiving DANGER and some are good at perceiving PAIN. The body parts that are good at perceiving danger are not very good at perceiving pain, because the perception of pain interferes with the expedient response to danger. The body parts that are good at perceiving pain are not very good at perceiving danger, because reacting to danger seriously interferes with the proper alleviation of and attention to pain.

You, like many other people, have a body. If it is a fairly normal body, it is somewhat better at perceiving either danger or pain. This disparity in perceptual abilities will cause you to have either a Conservative temperament or a Liberal temperament. Conservatives are good at perceiving danger. Conservatives suck at perceiving pain.

Liberals are good at perceiving pain. They are pretty terrible at perceiving danger.

We will back up this startling claim by drawing upon the resources of Waste O'Money Science. See, it all started when a Scientific Researcher noticed he had access to an MRI machine. For those of you who don't know, an MRI machine can take very pretty pictures of the various parts of the inside of your body, including your brain. These pictures have a bunch of really neat-o colors and you can point to various neat-o colored points with a scientific marker and stuff and that's really cool. Researchers love MRI machines! They love them so much they spend lots and lots of time coming up with excuses to put people in MRI machines so they can take pretty pictures and avoid any actual real work.

So one day a scientific researcher in the US noticed that the system of government that often funded his Waste O'Money projects used elections and that these elections frequently consisted of contests between individuals known as Democrats and Republicans. Hey, this scientific researcher said to himself, there's an election coming up soon! I bet I could put Democrats and Republicans in MRI machines! That would be so much fun! So he did.

Then he thought to himself, what will I do with the Democrats and Republicans while they are in the MRI machines? They will get bored and I will lose my funding! Hey, he suddenly thought, I bet I could spice things up by showing them pictures of ghastly and upsetting things, like of people being hurt and stuff. Then they will not be bored! Heh, heh, he said. This will be fun. I get to put people in machines and show them terrible things. I love being a Scientific Researcher!

So he showed Democrats and Republicans pictures of people like being murdered and stuff. And then he took pretty pictures of their brains. Turns out the Republicans didn't have any! When the Democrats saw pictures of people being murdered, their brains got all upset and made lots of pretty colors. When the Republicans saw pictures of people being murdered, their brains said what's the big deal? I don't see anything. Some guy's getting offed. Do I look like I care? The answer was no, they didn't. They didn't look like they cared at all! That's because they didn't. Their brains literally didn't react to depictions of human pain. They couldn't perceive it. Now if you'd have shown them some pornography.....or even if you'd told them, this is a picture of someone who's going to murder YOU, their brains woud have lit up.

So this is excellent news! This difference in perceptual abilities between Democrats and Republicans is excellent news because it allows us to bypass dreary political theory entirely, in favor of dwelling morbidly on PAIN and DANGER, two of our very favorite subjects in the whole world here at This is also good news for you, because you, my friend, are in massive pain and are obviously sporting a Liberal Temperament that's been scraped to an awesomely disgusting raw and bloodily oozing state due to painful and dangerous contact with the Conservative Temperament. If only you were more Conservative, you might have foreseen the danger more clearly and escaped to Sweden long before the election. Alas, you did not, so the best we can do is ease your pain by attacking people for things nobody is going to do anything about.

First we will attack people in a theoretical big-picture way just for intellectual coherence and then we'll dive into the real fun of attacking people for all kinds of alarming specifics. The big picture attack is that you and I and all those idiot god-waving Christians are cursed by biology with a temperament. And it is a curse, because both the Liberal and Conservative temperaments are based on deficiency. Their behavior is defined as much by what they cannot perceive as by what they can. In other words, both kinds of people are stupid, ignorant, blind, and defective.

So there's your satisfying answer right there! These people you have come to hate exist because they were born defective! This clears up the mystery of President Bush right there - born defective. Unfortunately, you and I were born defective too, but it is our sacred duty to pretend we weren't. The reason it is our sacred duty to pretend that we are not in the least bit defective is because evolution has divided humanity up into competing temperaments for a reason, inconvenient as it fucking is. And the reason is that it is difficult to attend to both danger and pain at once. The only way to get both attended to properly is to have some people better at one than the other, so that humanity can divide up the labor, prosper, reproduce, and ruin the planet.

If you have a liberal temperament it is your job to pay attention to societally-induced pain. Fuck the danger those ignorant right-wingers are always whining about - your job is to whine about pain! And don't let anyone take your job away from you. It's your job. Fuck 'em if they don't like it. Without you, Conservatives would injure society to death. You must save the world from them! Meanwhile, it is the Conservative job to be better at perceiving danger and threat. Without them, you would blithely ignore danger until fucking Hitler was at your doorstep while you were babbling about peace. That's the bottom line. We are all doomed to perform the job our temperaments require, even those of us with the My Perceptual System Is So Lazy I Can't Perceive Anything Except the Desire To Take More Naps syndrome.

So can this syndrome of competing temperaments be stopped so that all the people with the temperament you hate can just be annihilated and you will never have to live with them again? Hah, hah you wish! No, of course not. The reason for this is sex. Both liberals and conservatives will continue to have it, even when the conservatives tell them they shouldn't and therefore, more or less accidentally, children will be born. This would be fine and dandy except the little critters will be born with a temperament too! You can be a perfectly reasonable Liberal and give birth to a Conservative! Or you will be a perfectly reasonable Conservative and give birth to a Liberal! What a disaster! Still evolution will not allow us to run around killing all our kids, just the ones who sign up for the wars that Conservatives are in favor of and a bunch of other ones on the side. Bottom line, no matter what you do - the human race will produce more of the temperament you don't like. You can't program it out of society, or enlighten it out of society, you can only hold your head in your hands and scream loudly in frustration.

This is the essence of politics: no matter what you believe, no matter what you believe, there is always some asshole somewhere who completely disagrees. That's the way it is. People who are good at politics understand this. People who are good at rousing the disgruntled populace do not. And so it goes. Depressing, perhaps.

Unless you remember that no matter how inevitable the swinging tides of Liberalism and Conservatism may be - you can still call the other side names! The United States of America was founded on this principle. The First Amendment enshrines it by basically stating that no matter how much the Liberals or Conservatives in power at the moment don't like it, you still have the right to call them names and draw very nasty cartoons of them because you hate them so much!

Okay, now that we have that shit out of the way, we're going to address various specific weirdnesses these temperaments cause such as why the right wing in America seems to be so obsessed with guns and why they harp on 'moral values' and want the Bible in public schools and vote for a president that will screw them over economically.

And then we'll make you feel better by proving that God hates the same Southerners you do, so that you can have the last word and laugh maniacally now that you know they are all doomed to hell!

Let's get started!



First we tackle 'moral values'. Could anything be more enlightening than that?


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