How the
fuck can American voters be so stupid?! Seriously! George Bush has
got to be like the worst president ever. He's an incompetent moron!
Any idiot could see that. And who the hell are these rightwing fucking
Christians who think God told him to vote for them? Seriously, who
are they? Why do they even exist? Seriously, fuck the South, I'm not
kidding. They're a bunch of ignorant fucking morons who marry their
cousins and go on Jerry Springer to show their fucking tits and then
they want to put the Bible in public school and the goddamn 10 Commandments
in their buildings next to the Confederate flag? Who are these people
who voted for Bush? Seriously, we should have let these people secede
the first time around. They have no excuse to be alive, don't you
agree with me? And why are the Democrats such wimps who can't win
an election, honestly don't you think Jesus is more like a Democrat
than these fucking ignorant Republicans. At least that's the way I
learned it that Jesus wanted to help the poor and shit. He should
help these morons get a clue, that's who Jesus should help. I mean
seriously America is insane. It's like a fucking third world country,
you'd think we were in the dark ages or something. Is it time to get
the hell out? I mean is America a doomed country? Every other nation
in the world thinks we're a bunch of arrogant fucking moron bullies
thanks to our chimpanzee of a President. If you can't tell, I'm pretty
fed up these days. But seriously, I'm confused. I thought moral values
meant something substantial like having respect for your fellow man
not banning gay marriage and shit. I mean who are these people to
talk? Most of them can barely read I bet. I mean I really need to
understand - I need to understand these morons. I don't get it. Help
me out here, I'm sure you have a logical answer. WHY DO THESE PEOPLE
EXIST??!!!
All righty then.
First, I would like to present you with a very prestigious award for
best rant on this site of 2004. Lots of people are disgruntled
by the election but you have chosen to express yourself with a masterpiece
of incoherent rage that I think truly speaks to anyone who's ever
been in an incoherent rage. So many people don't take the time to
express themselves in all their incoherent raging glory and American
public life suffers for it! Consider yourself a public spirited citizen
and give yourself many points for that. Plus I love your line about
Jesus should help these people get a clue.
Okay, now on to
the logical answers. You actually bring up a lot of questions, but
we'll handily break them down into two underlying clumps of issues.
The first issue we are going to politely rephrase as - why
do people who disagree with me exist? And can this phenomenon be stopped?
The second question we will politely rephrase as what the
fuck is up with this Christianity/God shit? What's going
on here?
Okey doke,
then, so all we have to do then is logically explain both God and
politics. That should be easy! Reducing incredibly complex
and vast subjects of profound historical import as well as continous
disagreement and contention that have baffled the minds of the most
profound thinkers of humanity to incredibly simple and logical (yet
opinionated and non-scientifically validated) concepts is our speciality
here. This will be an absolute breeze!
All right - we'll
explain politics first. It's more boring, unfortunately, but we
will spice things up by insulting every human being who has lived,
mocking and deriding all concerned. This will be loads of
fun and since you are in a pretty fed up mood, this should be just
the ticket for you and help restore both your faith in humanity as
well as your mood and general satisfaction with life. Okay, no wait
a minute, actually it's going to demolish your faith in humanity but
you don't have much left anyway, so it's no big loss, right?
To explain
politics and why people you hate exist, we are going to divide human
beings into two major groups. This is bogus because people don't
really belong to two major groups, but that fact is entirely irrelevant
because the human brain loves to divide people into two major
groups! It loves it so much it can hardly stand how excited
it gets when it figures out how to divide people into two opposite
groups. And who am I to argue with the human brain? No one, that's
who. You're not going to catch me arguing with the human brain because
I always lose. I worship at the altar of the human brain, fucked up
as it is, and it is very fucked up. We are best buds, the human brain
and I. So I am going to go along with it. Besides, all your best theories
start with two major oppositions.
The
two groups are going to be called by the very unfortunately boring
names "Conservatives" and "Liberals".
For strict accuracy we should really call them "Fuckheads"
and "Sickos", but sadly both groups will
get confused and suddenly start thinking they're fuckheads when really
they're sickos and vice versa. Neither side is too quick on the uptake
as we'll see. So we are going to use the boring old conservative and
liberal words because strangely enough, people actually hardly ever
get confused by these unwieldy and inaccurate terms.
So here's the
deal. You are born. This happens because evolution
favors reproduction whether it's a good idea or not. As a result,
you and a lot of other fuckheads and sickos are born. You have a body
and inside are many fascinating body parts, all of which function
with a greater or lesser degree of amazing dexterity. Some of these
body parts perceive things, such as the outside world and the internal
signals that other body parts are sending them. These perceptions
are processed by your brain which immediately gets disgruntled because
a) it doesn't much like the outside world a lot of the time because
it's dangerous and painful; and b) it's not that crazy about the other
body parts because they are busy informing it that the outside world
is dangerous and painful. On these small facts, the entire edifice
of politics rests.
Not all body parts
are created equal. Some are good at perceiving DANGER
and some are good at perceiving PAIN. The body parts
that are good at perceiving danger are not very good at perceiving
pain, because the perception of pain interferes with the expedient
response to danger. The body parts that are good at perceiving pain
are not very good at perceiving danger, because reacting to danger
seriously interferes with the proper alleviation of and attention
to pain.
You, like many
other people, have a body. If it is a fairly normal body, it is
somewhat better at perceiving either danger or pain. This disparity
in perceptual abilities will cause you to have either a Conservative
temperament or a Liberal temperament. Conservatives are good
at perceiving danger. Conservatives suck at perceiving pain.
Liberals
are good at perceiving pain. They are pretty terrible at
perceiving danger.
We will back up
this startling claim by drawing upon the resources of Waste
O'Money Science. See, it all started when a Scientific Researcher
noticed he had access to an MRI machine. For those of you who don't
know, an MRI machine can take very pretty pictures of the various
parts of the inside of your body, including your brain. These pictures
have a bunch of really neat-o colors and you can point to various
neat-o colored points with a scientific marker and stuff and that's
really cool. Researchers love MRI machines! They
love them so much they spend lots and lots of time coming up with
excuses to put people in MRI machines so they can take pretty pictures
and avoid any actual real work.
So one day a scientific
researcher in the US noticed that the system of government that often
funded his Waste O'Money projects used elections and that these elections
frequently consisted of contests between individuals known as Democrats
and Republicans. Hey, this scientific researcher said to himself,
there's an election coming up soon! I bet I could put Democrats and
Republicans in MRI machines! That would be so much fun! So he did.
Then he thought
to himself, what will I do with the Democrats and Republicans while
they are in the MRI machines? They will get bored and I will lose
my funding! Hey, he suddenly thought, I bet I could spice things up
by showing them pictures of ghastly and upsetting things, like of
people being hurt and stuff. Then they will not be bored! Heh, heh,
he said. This will be fun. I get to put people in machines and show
them terrible things. I love being a Scientific Researcher!
So he showed Democrats
and Republicans pictures of people like being murdered and stuff.
And then he took pretty pictures of their brains. Turns out
the Republicans didn't have any! When the Democrats saw pictures
of people being murdered, their brains got all upset and made lots
of pretty colors. When the Republicans saw pictures of people being
murdered, their brains said what's the big deal? I don't see anything.
Some guy's getting offed. Do I look like I care? The answer was no,
they didn't. They didn't look like they cared at all! That's
because they didn't. Their brains literally didn't react
to depictions of human pain. They couldn't perceive it. Now if you'd
have shown them some pornography.....or
even if you'd told them, this is a picture of someone who's going
to murder YOU, their brains woud have lit up.
So this
is excellent news! This difference in perceptual abilities
between Democrats and Republicans is excellent news because it allows
us to bypass dreary political theory entirely, in favor of
dwelling morbidly on PAIN and DANGER, two of our very favorite
subjects in the whole world here at prettyfedup.com. This is also
good news for you, because you, my friend, are in massive pain and
are obviously sporting a Liberal Temperament that's been scraped to
an awesomely disgusting raw and bloodily oozing state due to painful
and dangerous contact with the Conservative Temperament. If only you
were more Conservative, you might have foreseen the danger more clearly
and escaped to Sweden long before the election. Alas, you did not,
so the best we can do is ease your pain by attacking people for things
nobody is going to do anything about.
First we will
attack people in a theoretical big-picture way just for intellectual
coherence and then we'll dive into the real fun of attacking people
for all kinds of alarming specifics. The big picture attack is that
you and I and all those idiot god-waving Christians are cursed by
biology with a temperament. And it is a curse, because both the Liberal
and Conservative temperaments are based on deficiency. Their behavior
is defined as much by what they cannot perceive as by what they can.
In other words, both kinds of people are stupid, ignorant, blind,
and defective.
So there's your
satisfying answer right there! These people you have come to hate
exist because they were born defective! This clears
up the mystery of President Bush right there - born defective. Unfortunately,
you and I were born defective too, but it is our sacred duty
to pretend we weren't. The reason it is our sacred duty to
pretend that we are not in the least bit defective is because evolution
has divided humanity up into competing temperaments for a reason,
inconvenient as it fucking is. And the reason is that it is difficult
to attend to both danger and pain at once. The only way to get both
attended to properly is to have some people better at one than the
other, so that humanity can divide up the labor, prosper, reproduce,
and ruin the planet.
If you have a
liberal temperament it is your job to pay attention to societally-induced
pain. Fuck the danger those ignorant right-wingers are always whining
about - your job is to whine about pain! And don't let anyone take
your job away from you. It's your job. Fuck 'em if
they don't like it. Without you, Conservatives would injure society
to death. You must save the world from them! Meanwhile,
it is the Conservative job to be better at perceiving danger and threat.
Without them, you would blithely ignore danger until fucking Hitler
was at your doorstep while you were babbling about peace. That's the
bottom line. We are all doomed to perform the job our temperaments
require, even those of us with the My Perceptual System Is
So Lazy I Can't Perceive Anything Except the Desire To Take More Naps
syndrome.
So can this syndrome
of competing temperaments be stopped so that all the people with the
temperament you hate can just be annihilated and you will never have
to live with them again? Hah, hah you wish! No, of course not. The
reason for this is sex. Both liberals and conservatives will
continue to have it, even when the conservatives tell them they shouldn't
and therefore, more or less accidentally, children will be born. This
would be fine and dandy except the little critters will be born with
a temperament too! You can be a perfectly reasonable Liberal and give
birth to a Conservative! Or you will be a perfectly reasonable Conservative
and give birth to a Liberal! What a disaster! Still evolution will
not allow us to run around killing all our
kids, just the ones who sign up for the wars that Conservatives are
in favor of and a bunch of other ones on the side. Bottom line, no
matter what you do - the human race will produce more of the temperament
you don't like. You can't program it out of society, or enlighten
it out of society, you can only hold your head in your hands and scream
loudly in frustration.
This is the essence
of politics: no matter what you believe, no matter what you
believe, there is always some asshole somewhere who completely
disagrees. That's the way it is. People who are good at politics understand
this. People who are good at rousing the disgruntled populace do not.
And so it goes. Depressing, perhaps.
Unless you remember
that no matter how inevitable the swinging tides of Liberalism and
Conservatism may be - you can still call the other side names!
The United States of America was founded on this principle. The First
Amendment enshrines it by basically stating that no matter how much
the Liberals or Conservatives in power at the moment don't like it,
you still have the right to call them names and draw very nasty cartoons
of them because you hate them so much!
Okay, now that
we have that shit out of the way, we're going to address various specific
weirdnesses these temperaments cause such as why the right wing in
America seems to be so obsessed with guns and why they harp on 'moral
values' and want the Bible in public schools and vote for a president
that will screw them over economically.
And then we'll
make you feel better by proving that God hates the same Southerners
you do, so that you can have the last word and laugh maniacally now
that you know they are all doomed to hell!
Let's get started!
First
we tackle 'moral values'. Could anything be more enlightening than that?
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