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Ugliness and poverty are not attractive qualities...

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Why is it that guys always seem to go for looks, no matter what a girl's personality might be like, whereas chicks go for a guy with money, or a nice car or something like that. Women seem to judge men, and be attracted to them, on the basis of other qualities. Can you shed any light on why this is so?

Well this is one of the easiest questions anyone's ever asked the webmistress ever. The Answer is:

Women, by and large, are better-looking than men. Men, by and large, have more money than women.

Or to put it more succinctly:

Men are ugly. Women are poor.

It's a complete misunderstanding of reality to think that women will not go for men on the basis of good looks. They just can't find any.

Good-looking men, such as movie stars like Johnny Depp or Brad Pitt, excite such a deep and enduring interest in the female population, that women are known to mail their panties to them, in a desperate attempt to remind the good-looking men in question exactly how babies are made and to indicate an interest in performing the sort of activities that will lead to the conception of one. This rarely works, but hey - it's worth a shot.

Good-looking men get laid. Constantly. All 12 of them currently on the planet can easily attest to this.

Women do not judge men on the basis of other qualities because of some deep-rooted personality difference or an admirable depth of character. They judge men on the basis of those other qualities because those other qualities are the only qualities men have.

Similarly, it is a deep misunderstanding to think that guys will not follow a chick with money around until she supports them. They will. They do. They always have. Now that women in some societies are earning quite a bit of money, men all over the place are giving deep and happy consideration to thoughts like - well, let's see, she makes more money than I do, which means really I don't have to work that hard to support us, so guess what, I won't!

There have been times and places when men have been deeply offended by the idea that a woman would earn more money than they do, driven by a deep intuitive understanding that money is virtually the only thing they have to offer to anyone. You too would feel offended if the only damn thing in the world you were good at got hogged up by someone else, just like everything else.

But the lure of being offended or having one's pride hurt is easily overcome by the lure of a free ride or the opportunity to buy shit or do things with someone else's money that you wouldn't be able to do with your own because you don't have any.

Money is attractive. Period.

Currently, in spite of various advances in women's earning power, men all over the world have more of it than women. Anyone in their right mind who doesn't have it is going to eye someone who does. Anyone who foresees difficulty or strenuous and unrewarding exertion in getting it is going to expend at least a passing glance at anyone who conceivably could offer them a way to obtain the use of it while bypassing that whole difficulty and unrewarding exertion thing.

People need money. Women have a harder time getting almost everywhere in the world. It would be downright fucking insane if they didn't give at least a little thought to the financial advantages and disadvantages of hooking up with a potential mate.

People, including women, who worry less about money pay less attention to it when it comes to other people who have it or don't. People, including women, who do worry about it, give it more attention when it comes to checking out who else has it and who doesn't. Rich or poor, people follow this rule. It's that simple.

Good looks are attractive. Period.

Men like them, women like them, kids like them, advertisers like them, old people like them, dogs like them, and maybe even God likes them. Everybody likes a good-looking human!

Men get to pay plenty of attention to good looks when selecting a potential sexual partner because the female sex, in comparison to the male sex, is brimming over with good-looking eye candy. Women are just prettier than men, in spite of recent advances in cosmetic surgery that could potentially even up the score a bit.

I don't care what sex you are, if you had the opportunity to choose from among a relative horde of good-looking people, you'd devote plenty of pleasurable time to considering your options. It is only natural that men place a high premium on good looks, for the simple reason that they can.

It couldn't get any simpler. Now, if you want to aid the cause of equality between the sexes (and I know you do, you think about it constantly, and want nothing more on earth), the obvious tack to take is to:

Make Men Better-Looking.

This is an urgent priority in the area of improving relations between the sexes. We all have a stake in this. Strides have been made in nations around the world in improving the economic lot of women. This is an excellent thing and allows for many opportunities and abundant economic growth for people and places where previously there weren't any damn opportunities or as much economic growth. Rich women raise the average standard of living for all of us. We like them, we like this, and we want them to lend us money or buy us fabulous gifts and so on.

But in the midst of all this female economic improvement, a horrible thing has happened. Men are still ugly! Women are not as poor, but men are still ugly! They have been left behind and left out, and consequently are lacking a crucial weapon to fight back in the war between the sexes. Parity is necessary and parity is lacking.

This affects everyone on a day-to-day basis. Today it's possible to be a man and be, comparatively speaking, both ugly and poor. This places an incredible stress on mating women, who frequently find themselves accidentally married to someone who was not all that hot to begin with but who has now morphed into a truly appalling lazy tub o'lard. No wonder married women are among the most miserable people on the planet.

Furthermore, the natural impulse of misery is to share and spread it around. The woman married to an ugly man feels increasingly compelled to take it out on him. Guys - listen up! - all your sexual relationships would improve if you were just better-looking.

Let's say a girl you were sleeping with got all mad at you and was suddenly seized by a desire to be pissy and unpleasant. If you were good-looking, right in the middle of her anger, her eyes would stray to your handsome and appealing face, they'd rake the contours of your buff and sexy body and her anger would say to itself 'oh hell, I guess running over the dog is not that terrible. And neither is adultery. I don't know what I was going to get in a snit about. Come here, you gorgeous hunk of human attractiveness, let's make babies.' And so on. Her brain would say that to her because good-looking people produce good-looking babies and good-looking babies have a real advantage in the world, particularly if they stay good-looking as they grow up. And the human sex brain always has an eye for that sort of thing, the advantage thing.

Good-lookingness promotes charity, forgiveness, kindliness, happiness, and good chemicals. It makes the world a better place. Men - you are not doing your share. You are losing your edge in the increasingly competitive and stressful modern world. You are falling behind in the race for supremacy. Halt this trend! Improve your looks.

And don't think I am just ranting about something that doesn't affect you personally. It does. Every day. Not just in the area of your personal relationships with women who would like you better and treat you better if you were actually Tom Cruise, but in your career and financial status as well.

Demographically, gay men are among the most affluent groups around, not counting children of the Hilton family. The reason they are comparatively more wealthy than you is that they are better-looking. They make more money and frequently they have more fun, so long as they are not getting beat up by jealous straight guys.

Queer Eye for The Straight Guy is not just a passing fad. Well, actually it is, but that's beside the point. The point is that advice from gay guys offers a sliver of opportunity for hapless heterosexuals to maintain a foothold in the slippery slope of modern life.

Now that you are all alarmed, and you should be, what can you do personally to combat the dangerous and increasing Good-Lookingness Gap?

Suggestion #1: Support Hair Research. The kind that would allow you to keep your own for the rest of your life. On your head. Not in your nostrils or ears. Sure there are people who say that baldness is sexy, but let's face it, most of you bald people look more like George Costanza than an NBA basketball star. You simply can't afford to lose your hair because it is the only thing covering up your ugly head.

Bald guys don't elected president of anything or run Fortune 500 companies or what have you, nearly as often as guys who are not bald. But is anybody doing anything about this terrible handicap in the game of life? Well, yeah, but not enough. Current hair therapy is simply not good enough.

This is a political issue. When AIDS became a crisis in the USA in the early 80's, gay people got very obnoxious and wore T-shirts, and disrupted conventions, and generally made themselves real pains in the ass until funding for AIDS research was secured. You bald and potentially bald people need to do the same thing. Demand your birthright! Demand your hair back! Don't think the introduction of Viagra into the marketplace is going to solve all your problems. Agitate for free Rogaine! Don't stop until every man everywhere can go to sleep at night knowing his hair will always be with him.

Sure, funding for things like breast cancer research is important and everything because people die of that shit, you know. And that's a big deal. But who ever spares a thought for the millions of men who don't die, who are forced to eke out 70 or 80 years on earth, perpetually imprisoned in the nightmare of physical unattractiveness? It's an outrage! Stop being the kind of pussy who takes that sort of stuff lying down. Stand up! Women trade on their good looks all the time. So would you, if you had any. Force the government to provide you with them - gratis. That's the kind of progress and political consciousness-raising this planet needs. Strike a blow for the fulfillment of human potential.

Suggestion #2: Work out and like, buy better clothes and stuff. You could be better looking if you weren't so damn lazy. Ditch the flab, stand up straight, wear clothes that fit, dye your hair blond, and glance in the mirror before you subject the world's eyes to your presence. Eyeliner would help a lot of you but I don't foresee that catching on in time to do you any good, so keep that one on the back burner for now.

Some of you, of course, are saying things like - ditch the flab?! If money is attractive, period, wouldn't it just be easier to get rich? Of course it would. But not only will ditching the flab help you get rich faster, by improving your personal appearance you are striking a blow for your entire sex. You are upping the average and thereby opening doors for men everywhere. Someone needs to be a leader in the struggle of the disadvantaged and that someone is you.

If you have no idea how clothes can be used to improve your personal appearance, ask someone who does. Believe me, there are more people who are aware of improvements you could make in this area than you ever guessed. Much of the advice these people will give you will come at absolutely no charge! Opinion donations will flow freely once you ask for them, and you will be touched by how many truly care.

Suggestion #3: Consider plastic surgery. Sure it can be pricey, but consider it an investment in the quality of your life. Liposuction is much more reasonably priced than you imagine!

Special Bonus Tip for the Aesthetically Impaired: Inform the cosmetic surgeon before surgery starts that you would like to look more like George Clooney and not more like Michael Jackson. Important point.

Suggestion #4: Develop charm. Good-looking people are more charming and charming people appear better-looking. Charm is the ability to pretend that you really really like the person you are interacting with even when in reality you couldn't give a shit about them really. Practice pretending you really really like people. People are suckers for this. Which doesn't have anything to do with our main point, it's just an observation. Our main point is that if you pretend that you really really like people, your face will rearrange itself to support the deception. It will rearrange its muscles and try to look more pleasant. It will force you to smile and will pump health-giving nutrients to your skin, thereby improving your complexion, it will moisten your eyes to give them that extra sparkle and so on. Once you have practiced pretending that you like people, go the extra mile and pretend that you are sincerely interested in having them like you back. This little exercise will give you an amazing amount of bang for your appearance-improving buck. People will swear on a stack of Bibles that you are much better-looking than you really are and this harmless ploy (almost harmless, no ploy is ever entirely harmless) will make everyone happier. Give it a shot.

Suggestion #5: Have sex with someone from another race. Not only will this give you a nice post-orgasm rosy glow, it will improve the future of mankind as well. Particularly if you 'forget' to use birth control. For the sad fact is that all the races are appallingly unattractive when left to breed with themselves, but stick two of them together.....

Mixed race children are just flat-out better looking and we need to be mindful of the legacy we are leaving future generations. Many many more mixed race people is the kind of inheritance they will forever be grateful for. Are you Irish? May I suggest a helpful smattering of Chinese gene-mixing to improve the potential attractiveness of your offspring? If you are black - consider spawning kids with one of those horrible white people you see all around. Korean or Japanese? Consider this - are you truly doing all you can to mix your genes with a rugged blond Australian? I think not. I think many of you are falling down in this important area. I strongly suspect that many of you Finns and a number of you folks from the Netherlands are entirely neglecting to bed good-looking South American people. Shame on you! Do you care nothing about the kind of world we will be leaving for our children? Without your dedicated efforts in this area, millions and millions of male people will be left to their own ugly devices with nothing but the unattractive genes of a single race to draw upon. Mating with someone of an entirely different culture who speaks absolutely no words of any language you are familiar with is a teeny price to pay for a better-looking species. As sacrifices go, this one is well worth it.

Suggestion #6: I don't have a suggestion #6. I think 5 action-packed suggestions is more than enough. Of course there are many many more things you could do to make yourself or men everywhere better-looking. But let's face it. It's well after midnight and I am very tired so there is no chance in hell I am going to belabor this point with more suggestions. You're on your own from here on in.

Besides, I answered your question. Now you know why men go for looks, and women for money. And wasn't it just perfectly obvious all along? Of course it was. As well as that other thing you always knew - you want them both.

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