How Can I Find Love?

The Not 100% Complete FAQs for the Pretty Fucked Up Person in a Pretty Fucked Up World

How can I find love, a mate? How can I, huh? How, how, how? Also, when? Thanks.

Excellent question. Being as it is, not only pretty fed up, but also very Frequently Asked.

The when part we can answer quickly. The answers are:

a) Not as soon as you would like.

b) About the time you have completely fucking given up.

As for the how - there are three very popular methods. They are:

1) Random Blind Fucking Luck. Popular worldwide since the beginning of time, celebrated in song, dance, and art, this is everyone's sentimental favorite.

2) Desperate, Frantic Searching. Equally popular but often somewhat embarrassing as it carries with it the potential stigma of loser-ness. This is why you naturally feel somewhat defensive about admitting that you are looking for love on AOL as it implies that you are not so inherently fucking attractive that random blind fucking luck has rushed up to smother you with kisses, dote and coo all over you, and then tra-la-la along leaving True Love behind in its wake. Being that you chose AOL to parade to your not inherently fucking attractive-ness, it also implies to some that you are really desperate and not very hip.

Be that as it may, it can be hard not to feel that if Random Blind Fucking Luck really loved you, it would have given you someone perfect by now. Although a close examination of people who have experienced random blind fucking luck reveals that they are not so different from everyone else except that they got really fucking lucky.

The major key to surviving Method 2) with your social status intact is to appear that you are Searching but neither Desperate nor Frantic. It is well known that True Love gets the creeps around Desperation and Franticness and shudders all over its body when it's around Poor Desperate You and acts as if it finds you really disgusting.

This unfortunate rejection by Random Blind Fucking Luck just when you need her most often leads to a rather unpleasant and sometimes long-standing underlying anxiety about the potential for a long-term relationship between you and Random Blind Fucking Luck or anyone else for that matter.

When this happens your Social Brain starts to say things to you when you are alone and lonely and horny and desperate and frantic: 'Jeez, your name here, what is wrong with you? Are you really that fucking hideous? It doesn't seem like you should be, because you didn't start out intending to be, but the way Random Blind Fucking Luck is treating you, it sure is starting to look like you are. In fact, now that I look at you and your life closely you are really starting to creep me out. God, no wonder no one fucking likes you. Jesus Fucking Christ, can't you do something about your awful personality. Like hide it for Christ's fucking sake? Jesus, you are giving me a bad name here. Listen, whatever you do, don't let on to anyone what a loser you really are, okay? I'll never fucking live it down.'

This is not very nice of your Social Brain and we want to take steps to make it stop, but that will be in another FAQ. When I get around to it. Meanwhile, we'll just observe that the universally acknowledged phenomenon of Random Blind Fucking Luck giving you the cold shoulder when you are desperate has given rise to a multitude of people who will give you tips for appearing confident and cool and hard to get and so on.

It also gives rise to the urban legend that Asshole Guys Get All the Chicks because they appear so undesperate, unfrantic, uncaring, and to the nice guy eye, so seemingly unattractive. This isn't exactly true, it only really really looks like it is, but it's a complex subject and is itself the topic of a separate but related FAQ.

Now it's time to move on to Popular Method for Finding Love No. 3

3) Haphazard Veering Between Optimism and Bitterness. Very very popular method. It's especially appealing for those who are too lazy to put continuous determined effort into Trying to Appear Cool when they are desperate and yet are not completely willing to give up all faith in Random Blind Fucking Luck. Method No. 3 has the advantage of being extremely easy to implement, requiring only a modest investment in mood swings. This method can be applied before, during, after and in-between actual relationships that may or may not have some resemblance to love. It is handy, portable, and adaptable to a wide variety of personality types. If you haven't found love and you haven't tried method No. 3, give it a whirl as a soothing, restful alternative to the rigors of Method No. 2.

Special Bonus Alternative Popular Method!

Special Bonus Alternative Method 4): Giving Up and Just Fucking Settling For Anyone Who'll Have You. Warning! This method frequently leads to marriage.

This isn't really a method for finding love so much as it is a method for not fucking looking anymore. Nevertheless it frequently leads to long-lasting relationships, including relationships with a reasonable modicum of compatibility, practicality, decency, civility, pleasantness and sex. Children may or may not be included. The only thing missing is the actual L-word itself.

Some people feel that marriage is actually better if the L-word is missing, since love is complicated, messy, chemical, shifting, exhilarating, energizing, and risky. Some experty-type people will advise you to choose a marriage partner based on all sorts of irrelevant criteria like 'Ability to Communicate,' 'Compatible Interests,' 'Shared Value Systems' and a whole bunch of other crap like that. These are people who are in a very very bad mood with Random Blind Fucking Luck and they just want to tell everyone - 'Oh for Christ's sake, will you stop being so fucking sentimental?'

Don't be fooled, though. If these people get kissed by Random Blind Fucking Luck, they will drop everything in a heartbeat to go chasing after it, and furthermore, if they catch it, they will dance around joyously like Snoopy and will never quit fucking talking about how goddamn wonderful their Random Blind Fucking Luck True Love turned out to be. Random Blind Fucking Luck trumps Boring Practicality no matter what game you're playing.

Which method should I personally use? I am about at the point where I am strongly considering Special Bonus Alternative Method No. 4....except that I can't find anybody who will have me. What do you suggest? Any Special Bonus Tips?

Oh sure, we got your Special Bonus Tips for ya. But first, we should point out that your sentimental favorite is always going to be Method 1) Random Blind Fucking Luck.

The entire strategy for finding love really consists of ways to kill time and pain while you are waiting around for Random Blind Fucking Luck to find you and say - 'Oh Jesus, did I miss you? God, I'm sorry, I thought I had you all squared away years ago. It's all this fucking paperwork, you know. I get behind and then I can't remember who I've kissed and who I haven't. All righty then, here you go. Ooh I think you're going to like this... someone very unlikely. Oh shit, that's my cell phone. Ta ta. Gotta go. (into cell phone) Listen, buddy, I told you you'd get your turn when I got around to it. (pause) Oh yeah, well for your information mister, I'll get around to it when I fucking feel like getting around to it. And at the rate you're going, buddy, I'm not going to feel like getting around to it for a long, long time. Got that, hotshot?' And so on.

Meanwhile, you are disoriented, bewildered and dazed by the random twists of fate through which Random Blind Fucking Love finally kissed you and if you have been waiting long enough, you are feeling appropriately unworthy of your much-delayed good fortune. Sounds ideal, right?

But first we gotta get you through that miserable period while Random Blind Fucking Luck is busy doting on other people and not you.

And for that we have an incredible array of completely fucking random (and I do mean competely fucking random) Special Bonus Tips for killing time and pain while waiting for Random Blind Fucking Luck to decide whether or not to kiss you.

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The Not 100% Complete FAQs for the Pretty Fucked Up Person in a Pretty Fucked Up World

Finding a Mate....you wish!