the pretty fucked up website

The Not 100% Complete FAQs for the Pretty Fucked Up Person in a Pretty Fucked Up World

In which we address the basics of the Is It Love questions and then unexpectedly start trying to force you to actually Fall In Love....

Remember to Skip...

Sweet site. Quite a refreshing break from the "normal" self-help. I'm sharing it with everyone I know as fast as humanly possible.

My question, which I'm guessing you've heard before is:

How do you know it's love? In a romantic sense, I mean. And if it isn't love should I be wasting my time? I care deeply about my family, friends, girlfriend, but I don't particularly notice the "warm fuzzies", "head over heels", or some other such well noted sensation in my Private Reality that suggests love. I'm just afraid that I'll never FEEL love, because I don't know what I'm looking for. What am I looking for? What? What? How will I know when I find it? What if I never do? What if.....? Do you see what I'm getting at?

Whoah, excellent questions. And ones that should have been addressed on this site a long time ago. But nobody thought to ask them, so I never thought to answer them. But now you have and so I will. Or will try to at least.

Okay, so there are two basic types of "Is It Love?" questions that people generally ask themselves (and sometimes ask other people). The first type is Startled and Alarmed. The second type is Guilty and Disappointed.

Startled and Alarmedness occurs when a person says to himself or herself "What was that feeling I just had? Oh shit, was Fuck! I didn't plan for that! This could potentially screw up a whole bunch of shit. And was such a pleasant sensation..." The answer to this type of "Is It Love?" question is yupperoony, it's love. Sorry, and good luck!

Guilt and Disappointment occur when a person says to him or herself "You know, considering the circumstances, you'd kinda think I'd be experiencing some love feelings at this juncture and yet I'm kinda sorta not. Maybe they're there and I just can't tell! Yeah, that's the ticket. They're there and I just can't tell. That would be better than trying to figure out what kind of a defective and maybe even downright horrible person wouldn't have love feelings at this appropriate point in time. The only kind of worrying thing is...I'm kinda not feeling 'em. At all. Hmmmm...."

The answer to this Is It Love? question is a bit longer. First, we must assuage the Nagging Suspicion of Possible Defectiveness and/or Horribility by noting that--Sure, you might be defective! Lots of people are. Wouldn't be the first time. It isn't like, oh you know, they'd do some big TV special on you or build a reality series around you or anything. Because they've already built so many reality series around Defective People of Various Types that even if you did get your own series for Being Defective, it would be on like the "Zero Viewers Network" or something.

What I'm telling you here is that even if you are defective, you've got so much competition in the Defective Person category that you don't even rate. Sorry. You gotta ask a more original question than the Guilty and Disappointed Is it Love question to be noticeably defective, especially since about half the population over age 30 of any Major Industrialized Nation will ask itself this question repeatedly and sometimes with ever-increasing despair.

So not feeling noticeable love sensations during socially appropriate circumstances (such as you know, a relationship or a marriage or something) is not Defective Enough To Really Matter. So we can't look for our answer there.

So we'll look for it in the harsh and brutal world of Reality instead. And the harsh and brutal reality is that yeah, actually you probably do have some of those socially appropriate 'love' type feelings that you just can't tell you have because let's face it, socially appropriate love feelings are about as boring as a nap during a long lecture on the Origins of Astronomy in Ancient Greece and sometimes actually even more boring than that.

And the equally harsh and brutal truth is that if you are asking yourself in a Guilty and Disappointed Manner if maybe you love someone even if you can't fucking tell, then it doesn't matter that in some ways you kinda do. What matters is that you are Guilty and Disappointed. And you are disapointed because you want something better and guilty because you're kinda thinking maybe you shouldn't.

Sudden Sub-Categorization of the Guilty and Disappointed! Sub-category A of the Guilty and Disappointed is the Primarily Disappointed and Only A Little Bit Guilty, also known as Young Person's Guilt and Disappointment. In this sub-category, the youthful body, teeming with zest for life and a need for Chemical Experience, is pointing out to the Mostly Disappointed Young Person that the feelings he or she is experiencing are Not Very Extreme and that this is a Less Than Ideal state of affairs because it is crucial for a person's heart to experience Extremes of Emotion in order for it to work right later in life.

It just is. Little kids have to jump on the bed and spin around until they get really dizzy in order to experience Extremes of Motion. If they don't do this, their little brains don't develop right and then my sister who is a professional Brain Fixer for Youngsters has to force the recalcitrant little undeveloped youngsters to jump on the bed and spin around until they get really dizzy. It's a matter of calibration. By the same token, experiencing Extreme Love That You Can Really Notice and that Makes You Want to Jump on the Bed and Also Kinda Feels Like You Are Spinning Around Until You are Really Dizzy and Maybe Even Kinda Sick to Your Stomach is how the human heart calibrates itself for Productive and Rewarding Romantic Relationships. Or something like that.

So the Primarily Disappointed Person is responding to the physiological need for a more extreme sensation of love in order to make their heart work right by asking the Disappointed Is This Love Question.

Sub-category B of the Gulity and Disappointed Askers About Love is the Mainly Guilty and yet Even More Disappointed, also known as Old Person's Guilt and Disappointment. In this case, the question arises because the person, not unnaturally, would like to be able to actually feel love if they're going to experience it, and yet they are not, even though they seem to have achieved a Very Desirable Thing, namely the presence of someone in their life who is a) socially acceptable, b) not certifiably evil and c) provides security. The prospect of throwing over the security of being attached to someone who is not certifiably evil and who is basically socially acceptable is very guilt-producing and makes the sensation of being disappointed at not having stronger feelings all the more poignant.

Sub-category C of the Guilty and Disappointed is the Very Guilty and Very Disappointed, also known as the Can Occur At Any Age Guilt and Disappointment Phenomenon. In this case, the need for stronger physiological heart stimulation is very high at the same time that the terror of throwing over security is very high also!

Pop quiz! Name your sub-category! You have 30 seconds starting now!

Congratulations! You are correct and can move on to the bonus rounds of Guilt and Disappointment.

For our first bonus round, we will consult the experts. Experty-type experts will tell you sincerely and yet in a Vicious Lying Manner that you should not be bored by boring socially acceptable love feelings that you can't really even tell that you have, but what they really mean by their advice to accept your boring socially acceptable love feelings and soldier on in your boring socially acceptable romantic circumstances is this: "Oh grow the fuck up and leave me alone! Do you have any fucking idea how difficult it is to find someone who is socially acceptable, not certifiably evil and who provides security?! Well, if you don't, let me tell you about my first husband. Hoh boy, talk about certifiably evil!" And so on. In other words, they are telling you that Extremes of Emotion are Just Not Possible in Concert with Socially Acceptable and Secure Lack of Certifiable Non-Evilness.

This the dilemma that folks around the globe face--wondering if it is true that Extremes Of Emotion are just not out there for them, and whether or not they ought to just give up and settle for security of some sort. And it only gets worse for people as they get older as the Heart's Compelling Need to Make Itself Dizzy and Sick waxes and wanes throughout the Evolutionary Life Cycle, often at very inconvenient times.

And yet, in spite of all the angst, the answer to the question is excruciatingly simple. To wit:

If what you want is security, then just go ahead and pick that, doofus! Duh! It's not against the fucking law. At least not so far. Stop worrying about whether or not it's love, toss the guilt and disappointment in the trash and proceed down Security Lane until you get to a dead-end and go 'oh wait, I've changed my mind. Now I want Extremes of Emotion. Whoops! Never mind! Hey listen, socially acceptable non-evil person, thanks for all that security you gave me up til now. Take care and everything. And oh yeah, I'm taking the dog but you can have the cat. Ta-ta!"

This is a perfectly normal life pattern, and at some point, you will probably engage in some exercise more or less like this, so as an experty-type experty person, I'm telling you to go ahead and stop worrying about it. You can worry about it later, when you see how much the divorce lawyer charges!

As for the rest of you (and yes, that means you, my friendly email querent), we're going to have to embark upon an entirely more Interesting and Rewarding Path, by which we mean, of course, we're going to have to fuck up your life.

We are going to do this by moving you Away From Disappointment and Towards Guilt by having you experience the Extreme Emotion known as Falling In Love. Yes, I'm sorry, but that's what we're going to have to do.

So before we jump off that really scary diving board, let's review the Inescapable Logic by which we arrived at the conclusion that you are just going to have to fall in love, dude, Socially Appropriate Romantic Circumstances or not. Because really, brother, you deserve to have that sensation before you die or get all old or something else terrible happens. Really, you do. I have decided that on your behalf. I have also decided that you can have that sensation, and I will even tell you how to get it.

Okay, Inescapable Logic: First, we determined that you have not been Accidentally Startled and Alarmed by Unexpected Love. Then we determined, by a rigorous process of elimination, that you were in fact Guilty and Disappointed, perhaps even Very Guilty and Very Disappointed, due to the presence of socially acceptable but virtually indetectable feelings of love or whatever that you can barely even notice and that certainly don't make you feel like your Heart is Dizzy or Maybe Even Going to Throw Up.

Then we determined that you don't really want security more than you want Extremes of Emotion because you kept on reading even though I told you that you could just roll over and give up already and not worry about the pathetic lack of Noticeable Feelings in your life until later or whenever.

Nope, in spite of the fact that I promised you that you could keep the dog, you kept on reading, because your eager heart wants those goddamn Extremes of Emotion and is in fact so desperate for them that it snuck on to your computer and sent me an email in hopes that I would help you learn how to experience them. Or it snuck onto your computer and went web-surfing when you should have sleeping just so it could figure out how to persuade you to pursue Falling In Love or whatever the hell it was your heart did that brought you to this page because it's just so fucking tired of not even being able to tell if this goddamn relationship you are in is like love or something or if it's maybe it's just like a complacent habit that will doom you to an eternity of Being Stuck In A Relationship That Doesn't Produce Noticeable Feelings.

Okay, so now, take a deep breath. Especially if you've never experiened Extremes of Love Emotion (colloquially known as Falling in Love) or if you haven't experienced them in a long time and need to get limbered up again. Because we're going to start at the beginning. Just like my sister, the Brain Fixer, we are going to engage in a Heart-Fixing process that will force it through a developmental process that will eventually include Joyous Jumping on the Bed Sensations, Feeling Like Your World is Spinning Until It's Like You're Really Dizzy Sensations, and Sick Sensations of Extreme Longing. Along the way, your questions about what you are looking for and so on will be more or less answered. Sounds like incredible fucking fun, doesn't it?

So let's begin the Falling in Love Process Whether You've Actually Decided that You Want To and You're Ready and Everything Or Not with my patented "Start at Step 1:" process by starting at Step 1.

On the next page.

What do we look for when we look for love? Such a philosophical question and yet such a simple answer ..


How do fools fall in love?

Why do asshole guys get all the chicks?

What's the best sexual position?

too shy to meet girls...

how to get the ex to stop bugging you!

I hate my species!!!!!! Humanity sucks!

Random Angst against Large Corporations

Can't get a job....

why are people so stupid?

The This is No Substitute for Professional Help Disclaimer

Bonus! Your FAQ here


copyright 2008