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The Not 100% Complete FAQs for the Pretty Fucked Up Person in a Pretty Fucked Up World

WARNING!: Extreme Good-Lookingness and Falling In Love May Be Associated with Mustard or Garden Dirt

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How are you going to find an appropriate Out Of Your League Better Than You Person? Well, first you are going to look. We already established that by drying out your eyes on an earlier page. But what exactly are you going to look for? What are the tell-tale clues?

Tell-Tale Clue #1: Looks. Good-lookingness. Hotness. Physical attractiveness. Beauty. Drop-dead gorgeousness.

Again, this may seem obvious and it is. Yet so many people overlook this obvious point or fuck it up completely. Because OOYL does not mean Angelina Jolie. Many people world-wide can identify Angelina Jolie as a sensuous-looking physically attractive specimen of large-lipped lushness. She is hot, if you go for that sort of physically attractive, large-lipped specimen of lush hotness and so on. Many Playboy models are hot also. Other models who not Playboy models are also easily identifiable as Extremely Beautiful. Lots of actresses are hot. That's what they get paid for. Being hot. It is nice to look at people who look very fucking good. But this is not the key to falling in love.

So now I'm going to give a little advice that will save you about $80,000 that you could otherwise spend on pursuing and eventually divorcing hotness when you Finally Fall In Love With Someone Who Is Truly Out of Your League At an Inconvenient Moment That Will Make You Look Like A Real Jerk. And that advice re Hotness That Any Idiot Could Identify is:

Skip it. Forget about it. Get over it. Don't worry about it. Leave it alone.

What you actually want is a very specific type of OOYL good-lookingness. And that type of OOYL Good-Lookingness is Super Secret Master Spy Only You Can Truly See and Appreciate It Breath Stopping Heart Pounding Oh My Fucking God I Am In Serious Trouble Good Lookingness. How do you become a Master Spy capable of Ferreting Out Super Secret Heart Stopping Good Lookingness?


Like this. Step #2 in our newly minted Multi-Step Program For Falling In Love While You are Young and It is Inconvenient Instead of Waiting Until You Are Old and Have More Money to Lose Inconvenient: Go to a bar or other public place where relatively young people of potential good-lookingness of your favorite sex will be attempting to display their good-lookingness wares. Take a male friend along. Very important! Do not skip this step.

Identify people you think are good looking and point them out to your male friend. Say things like "She's hot isn't she?" or whatever crazy lingo you kids use these days to indicate potential hotness. If your friend enthusiastically agrees, CROSS HER OFF THE LIST. Wrong, bad! If a total simpleton jerk like your friend can identify this person as totally hot then there is nothing super-secret about her. What you have identified instead is a COMPETITION MAGNET. She's not just out of your league, she's a one-way ticket to humiliation because everybody will know from moment 1 that you've got plenty of competition and if she has even an ounce of reproductive brains she will need to be checking out that competition and ignoring you. No good. Cross her off the list.

I know this strategy is in direct violation of the General Horniness Leer At Everyone in My Age Range Like a Pig strategy. And the General Horniness strategy does have a lot of merit in many different situations, most especially for treating General Horniness. There is absolutely nothing wrong with the GH strategy; I have employed it myself on many occasions, including on occasions when I was In Love. But the GH strategy is no good for actually falling in love and needs to function as an Occasionally Pleasant Diversion That Will Lead Nowhere. Because that's where it leads for our purposes: nowhere. Let your friends pursue that strategy while you cleverly pump them for information on who to avoid.

Strange Yet Odd Eerie Love Coincidence Tip! Very often, the Incredibly Good-Looking Person You Eventually Fall in Love with Because She Is Out Of Your League will be forthrightly identified by your friends as very good-looking. But they will identify her in this way after you have fallen in love with her. Or...they will identify her as VGL, and you will, for the life of you, not be able to see it until after you have fallen in love. I don't know how the universe arranges this, but in order for the secret formula to work, someone has to not be aware of good-lookingness until after love develops. There are reasons for this which we'll allude to later, but may never get around to explaining because I may not feel like explaining them.

Okay, back to the bar or wherever it was that we were hanging out with your simpleton Generally Horny Friend. When you have finally identified someone that your friend reacts to with tepid indifference, then take another look at the Tepid Indifference Inducer. If you have the same reaction, cross her off the list. If your mind says 'yeah, you're right, not too attractive really,' it is in no way going to work to try to fall in love with this person. Move on immediately.

What you are looking for is a person that your friend (or friends) cannot be bothered to pay too much attention to because they are busy drooling over other people. At the same time, this should be a person that you find it difficult to not pay attention to because your own personal eyes and mind are like "Wha?" You want your eyes and mind so bewildered by the sight and presence of this person that they can't even put ending 't's' on their words. So that your mind is drooling and reduced to baby-talk and no longer knows how to form regular English words even in the privacy of your own brain.

We have already established that in order to find someone worth falling in love with, you need to look.

Constantly. And not at the ones that everyone else is looking at. Since you have a girlfriend, it is probably not going to be cool to do it while you're with her. Unless you're looking at her. Which you should do. You may be surprised at what you see (happily or unhappily surprised) but even if you aren't you will establish a baseline for what women in your life look like. Then...when you're not with a person of the female persuasion that you are ostensibly romantically attached to, here's what you do.

You look at women people all the time, but not at what they look like. At how they move, what kind of gestures they make, their facial expressions, and what they are doing. Because the key to heart-stopping lethally gorgeous super-secret etcera etceraness is not in how a person looks when she knows she is being looked at or judged for her good-lookingness. It is in how she looks when she is accidentally dropping a hot dog at a baseball game. How she looks when she has her back to you and is talking to someone taller. How she looks when she is wearing a sweatshirt and digging in a garden. How she looks when she is trying to climb into a convertible without opening the door. How she looks when she is pontificating on natural history and women's economic rights to a professor who truly does not give a fuck. How she looks when she is trying to learn Spanish. Or eating M&Ms.

Because the thing you need to see with is the Sex Brain. The Sex Brain, for some unknown reason, is able to pick up subtle clues as to Reproductive Excellence by watching people wipe mustard off their chins. I have no idea myself why a Sex Brain will suddenly shout to itself "Garden Dirt! I Am In Love!" But it will. It will see someone gardening and know all it needs to know. I personally do not find watching someone handle a yucky fish they have just pulled from a river to be a way to deduce Reproductive Excellence. But some Sex Brains can do just that. "Fish slime!" they'll yell and they'll just know in some mysterious primordial way that they have stumbled upon the egg-carrier from Reproductive Heaven and that all will be well with the millions of children they intend to spawn with the woman in question who is against all common sense willing to hold slimy fish in her hands.

The thing is, you do not know whether your own Sex Brain is wildly attracted to mustard, fish slime, garden dirt, peanut shell spitting, motorcyle riding, political activism, gin swilling, sarcasm, squinting, clumsiness, intense anger, horse laughter, cool reserve, ruthless ambition, leggy elegance or what. But you can rest assured it will be attracted to something that tells it is looking at someone who is "Not Like Other Girls!" And in order to find someone that your Sex Brain can identify as Not Like Other Girls, you have to be watching women when they are not acting like other girls. It's that simple. You have to train your eyes to be looking for the things that signal Mediocrity.

The difference between horniness and love is the exclusion of Mediocrity. That's why we had you hone your vision by having you hang out with your horny friends. They are your Mediocrity check. If they're attracted, the person in question is not Better Than You and is therefore, by definition, mediocre, even if she is a Competition Magnet.

Got it? Of course not. But next, we'll give you the magic clue as to how to identify the Subtle Reproductive Cues or Something That Will Help You Fall in Love w/Someone Appropriately Better Than You So You Can Rid Yourself of the Mediocrity You Are Currently Attached To Even Though That Sounds Kind Of Cold and Everything to Call Someone Mediocre, Although Let's Face It, Most People Are....

The Bluebird of Love Happiness is Hiding in an Improbable Place...


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