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Sometimes evolution likes pretty women and ugly men....

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So....Random Thought #4: Why are women better looking than men?

Brief answer. I don't know.

Okay, so much for brevity. Now it's time to indulge in long-winded speculation. Our coherently ranting friend opined on the slutty, promiscuous whore-like reproductive strategies of men (an observation he put much more politely and that many people believe in). In the process he touched on something that your Standard Issue Evolutionary Psychologist never brings up (or hardly ever): Male Choice!

Male Choice - the effect that the human male ability to choose who the hell he's going to have sex with has on women's bodies, characteristics, evolutionary development, and generally miserable lives.

Your Standard Issue Evolutionary Psychologist is apparently both male and willing to babble endlessly about the effect of Female Choice on men's bodies, characteristics, stupid antics, and generally miserable lives. This is a fascinating topic to a Male Evolutionary Psychologist! Deep consideration of it leads him to the conclusion that if noticeable numbers of men have some stupid self-endangering characteristic that makes them look like idiots or otherwise leads to a generally miserable, if entertainingly idiotic life, it's because women want it that way!

Fool-hardiness, status-seeking, incurable horniness, stupid yo-yo tricks, poetry, territorial boardroom pissing contests, tumbling off Mount Everest in an ill-fated attempt to do something useless, all these activities and many more have been attributed to the male desire to attract women. Sometimes the explanations for how the human female ability to choose one male over another leads to squirting milk through your nose are elaborate and convoluted. Sometimes they are also quite convincing. I'm absolutely willing to believe, and in fact do believe, that Female Choice plays a dramatic and thrilling role in the shape and progress of a given male's generally miserable life.

But the same is true for women. Human men can choose. They do. This has a deep and dramatic impact on the shape and progress of a given female's generally miserable life. Really. It totally does. A lot. It makes them good-looking for one thing.

I could spend pages and pages detailing the effect of male choice on women ranging to makeup to anorexia to Cinderella to etc, etc. etc. I won't because I'm not in the mood. But Male Choice has a huge effect on your personal everyday life. It affects almost every intimate detail of the advertising you see and since there is nothing more pervasive in modern life (at least modern American life) than advertising, this means it has a big effect. But who cares?!

All we really need to know is that Female Choice totally fucks up men and their lives and Male Choice totally fucks up women and their lives. It fucks everything up so badly that some cultures try to get around it with arranged marriages and everything. But everybody's lives still manage to get totally fucked up by that Damn Sexual Choice thing. It's a bitch and a constant source of underlying human anxiety until sufficient quantities of decent children are produced and you can relax and get all fat and mean or whatever else you want to do.

If there are any characteristics you stereotypically attribute to men that you don't like - feel free to blame it on sexual choice. If there are any characteristics you stereotypically attribute to women that you don't like - feel free to blame it on sexual choice. Let's say you'd like to believe that your girlfriend is a bad driver because all women are bad drivers and this drives you crazy because she drives like an airhead idiot and hardly ever passes people and shit and pays no attention to the rule of driving a reasonable yet aggressive amount over the speed limit at all times out of sheer driving courtesy and respect for order and structure in society. Let's just say you're in the mood to develop an opinion like this for no reason other than it irritates you not be to driving yourself. When the irritating behavior occurs - say to yourself - 'you know why she does this? Huh? You know why? Because generations upon generations of goddamn men like it that way! Assholes!'

If there's something you don't like about a man - let's say he doesn't do his laundry the way you think it ought to be done. Say to yourself 'you know why this retard can't do his laundry right? Huh? You know why? Because generations upon generations of women like it that way! Damn them!' And so on. You will be more or less right and it will make you feel loads better! Try it! It's fun!

Somehow or another, this phenomenon leads to scads and scads of good-looking women. Oh, I mean it seems relatively clear-cut. If men are motivated to choose women who look like they can pop out offspring with a decent chance of survival and if a cue like boob to waist size ratio is a good clue to this (it is, not a perfect clue, but it's not a bad one), then there's obviously going to be selective evolutionary pressure on women to pony up with the big boobs and the small waists and for men to reinforce this by finding that attractive. It's a neat, coherent little system, and it's led to a tremendous rush on boob implants.

Really it has. You don't have to blame this on anything other than evolution and biology and the fact that proportional boob size usually does reflect fertility to a decent degree. You can get pissed off at society about it if you want (might as well), but tough. A certain portion of life is devoted to a vicious cut-throat race to BE SEXUALLY CHOSEN and a woman who can afford to up her chances with selective surgical implants may very well want to.

We could talk about boobs forever and one day we will but now let's turn to the fascinating subject of Early Horrible Death since this has a big effect on how women look also.

See, the thing about men is that they die. More often and earlier than women. They get away with this partially because more of them are born (well actually they're infants when they're born not men, but they're little boy infants who could potentially grow into men if they don't die first). Men all over the globe are busy dying off at rates in comparison to women that range from the Mildly Elevated to the Truly Appalling.

This has an effect on women's generally miserable lives. It means that right when they get to the age where they're ready to pop out offspring - lo and behold there's not enough goddamn men to go around! Fuck! That sucks! Damn! It means the whole Male Choice thing is going to get more important because there's more damn women to choose from then there are men. Damn! Don't you just hate that? You should.

I suspect that war has the biggest effect on this. Wars are capable of efficiently killing off vast hordes of men in a relatively short span of time. They usually manage to take out a number of women as well but by and large, war has a bigger percentage impact on the male population by making large quantities of them dead. To take a colorful example from US history, PBS solemnly informed me the other night that the US Civil War managed to annihilate 25% of the men in the American south at the time under the age of 60. 25 fucking percent! 25%! That's huge.

That kind of shit creates a periodic big disparity between the ratio of the sexes. That means there's selective evolutionary pressure on women to develop characteristics that will quickly and efficiently signal their ability to reproduce before the goddamn male in question goes and gets himself fucking killed! The competition for women to get good-looking gets upped an impressive notch.

And this little rather alarming fact of human life didn't start with the damn US Civil War. Oh no! Human men having been figuring out ingenious ways to off themselves and each other for a long, long, long, long time now. This disparity between how many fertile women there are at a given time and how many men there are at the same time capable of squirting viable sperm into the reproductively correct places has a big effect on societies.

Societies twist themselves into goddamn horrible knots trying to figure out inventive ways to get more women pregnant under these terrifically adverse conditions. They adopt polygamy and various kinds of enforced prostitution (overt or not), they make up elaborate rules regarding widows, they take sexual hypocrisy to awesome heights, and they generally make women very very miserable. Therefore, as a public service, I'm going to make this announcement to men everywhere, all over the globe, who are currently busy arranging to have themselves offed in disproportionate numbers: QUIT IT!




Nothing improves the quality of human life more immediately and dramatically, for both sexes, than to just nix that whole damn 'hey how about a whole bunch of us guys get ourselves killed all to death in a great big gigantic war that will devastate our society and leave our entire culture without very many of us?!'

Now I'm not saying that there aren't lots and lots of good and valid reasons why individual people and whole societies both would want to kill large quantities of young men in a war or even a breathtakingly devastating series of them. There are. It's easy to understand the enthusiasm all around. In fact, if a culture neglects this entirely (as Communist China has for many years and for which they haven't been as severely reprimanded as you might expect), you end up with too many damn people, a number of whom are looking at the enticing prospect of abject poverty and slow starvation. But hey, you know what - let the next generation worry about that! It'll make your life better - and isn't that what really counts? Either you won't be maimed, dead, or horribly psychologically scarred by Traumatizing Warfare or there will be sufficient quantities of men available so that you won't have to become a prostitute. Good deal all around! Let's hear a tremendous round of applause for this common-sense approach to quality o'life enhancement.

Of course, it isn't going to happen, and therefore, there will be selective evolutionary pressures that will only make women better-looking in comparison to men who have to devote more evolutionary development resources to figuring out how to either a) not get killed in that fucking war or b) how to make sure to fuck someone in a fertile manner before they do. In fact, there is a certain evolutionary pressure against men being good-looking, in that good-lookingness seems to be at least partly a function of not looking scary - and if you're going to end up in a war -well hell, it might be to your advantage to look scary.

In other words, you got your promiscuous slutty whoring 'Hey I will fuck anyone fertile right now, I'm not kidding, we don't even need to talk let me just look at your boob to waist size ratio, okay, let's get down to it, I'm probably going to die any minute now anyway, by the way do you have a sister' male reproductive strategy so fondly enshrined in the lore of the sexes right here. War will do it - almost all by itself.

And you got your - 'hey, look at me, I'm the product of intense evolutionary selective pressures favoring physical attractiveness, I swear these boobs are mine, come on, I need to reproduce before all you fuckers die, can't you see how good-looking I am, pay attention to me now in my high heels, come on, what do I have to do, strip?' female reproductive strategy not so fondly enshrined in the hearts and minds of jealous women everywhere who look at these physically attractive rivals flaunting their wares and plot devious means of leveling the playing field. War explains a lot.

Combine war with Sexual Choice and you have such a recipe for unending angst that it's a damn good thing sex is actually fun or none of us would be able to stand the pressure.

This war business is right where the physiological basis of men putting such a high premium on looks kicks in. The parts of men's brains that process visual information (particularly about faces) are hooked up via a series of superhighways that lead directly to the sexual arousal centers. This allows their brains to make very quick calculations as to the potential pregnancy lure of a particular woman almost instantaneously, sometimes even while being distracted by incoming artillery fire! Women's brains do not contain such superhighways from the visual centers. In fact, women's brains do not show as much preference for the superhighway concept at all. Women's brains tend to show a preference for 'why don't I think about everything at once' - which allows them to make certain calculations very quickly - but not to key on visual sexual characteristics as quickly or even as strongly.

Okay, so... many bonus points to our coherent ranting friend for inspiring us to indulge in a Crackpot Theory about Male Choice, dead Southerners, and enforced prostitution that helps explain why women are better looking than men whether they want to be or not. (They don't actually, most of them, any more than most men want to be dead in a war. What they actually want is to be naturally attractive enough, whatever that may mean, to snag the Best Possible Guy without any effort whatsoever and live in the happy harmony of widespread social acceptance just for being alive and also to have everybody in the whole world love them and oh yeah for everyone else to be happy too and for their kids to be healthy and wonderful, and also world peace and to have lots of money and a new car would be nice and also...and also...and also...).

But you know, it might seem that a thorough discussion of good-looking women, scary-looking men, Dead Southerners, and enforced prostitution, would be more than good enough. And in some ways it is. But the truth is, talking about the Civil War dead, enjoyable as it is, just is not good enough for the standards of Because in reality, all you really care about is what our friend referred to as the Have Sex with Any Fertile Woman You Can male mating strategy.

Right? That's the inherently fascinating topic, isn't it? Either you want to know basic things like 'how do I make the Any Woman I Can number larger than the No Fucking Way, Are You Kidding Me, Not if You Were the Last Guy on Earth number?' Or you want information on How the Hell to Prevent Him From Having Sex With Any Fertile Woman He Sees.

Well, I'm sure not going to tell you. You'll have to figure that shit out for yourself. But we can talk about Hot Hot Sex NOW! and its relevance to your personal life and that's almost as good.

Along the way we'll delve into such topics as having sex with random attractive men - or random attractive women, if that's the way you swing. And address the deeply relevant and fascinating topic as to whether women really have only one reproductive strategy, finding a good mate, or whether we might be able to sneak in some other sexual behavior!

Stay tuned for the exciting, sexually relevant answers!

In which we address the subject of having sex with random attractive people....


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