For years
I’ve been a Nice Guy. A goddamn Nice Guy as a matter of fact.
I’m not unattractive, I don’t have any major personality
disorders, and I’ve never had the urge to stalk anyone. But,
it seems, most women I’ve known have been attracted to the Insufferable
Prick. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve had some really great relationships,
but most of the time, I end up falling into the “friend zone.”
I am sick of being the guy to whom women say “I want to find
someone just like you...but not you, of course, because that would
ruin our friendship.” I am fed up. So what do I do, turn into
the Insufferable Prick? I don't want to, but WOMEN LEAVE ME NO CHOICE.
Okay, thanks for letting me rant. And if you have any advice that
would be cool too.
Oooh, what a great
question. It has all the qualities the webmistress loves, a little
personality, a little flair, nicely spiced with anger, fedupness,
and despair - yet incredibly frequently asked. It also allows the
webmistress a chance to tackle an Enduring Romantic Legend
- and the webmistress loves doing battle with legends of all kinds.
This is so great! All right, let's get to work on your problem.
First,
a sudden hilarious pop quiz!
Hilarious
Pop Quiz: What does a woman mean when she says she wants to be 'friends'
with you?
Sobering
answer: She means she does not want to have sex with you.
You
knew this. You picked up on this, you figured it out. You are not
stupid. You got the message. You didn't like the message but you got
it. You got it so thoroughly that you are considering becoming an
Asshole Prick or Insufferable Jerk or whatever you like to call those
Other Guys That Are Always Getting Laid.
What
you didn't do was realize that this little nugget of no-sex information
holds the key to the phenomenon you are experiencing. As well
as to its resolution and your eventual triumph.
Let's
lay the logical groundwork for this assertion. You will love this
because you are a Very Logical Male and logic will soothe you and
make you feel better. Which is what we're in the business of doing
here at prettyfedup.com when we are not otherwise busy making you
feel worse.
Logical
Groundwork #1: Sex is chemical. You may know this completely
having experienced its chemical miracles and ravages. Or you may
occasionally want to deny this insight and claim that sex is love-based
or based on feelings of Mutual Compatibility, Respect, Regard and
so on. You may claim you want a mate and not just sex. You may think
friendship is More Important or that you personally have the kind
of self-control and general respect for humanity such that you are
not just seeking sex but true communion and soul-mateyness and so
on. And yet you are crushed and disappointed when she says she 'just
wants to be friends.' And this is because - you want the fucking
chemicals! You've got the chemicals for her - she doesn't have
the chemicals for you! That sucks! You hate it! What's wrong with
her goddamn chemicals? What's wrong with yours?
Mutual
Compatibility, Friendship, Support, Ability to Share Laughter, Ability
to Talk With One Another, Respect, Regard, Affection - these are
not incompatible with sex chemicals at all. In fact, sex chemicals
enhance all these things wonderfully and deliriously. But if there
aren't any fucking sex chemicals, there isn't any sex. And that's
your problem. That's the 'friendship' problem. The friendship
stays and the sex goes away. Or never gets started.
Logical Deduction
#2: You have a chemical problem. This is so fucking logical
it kills you. Of course you have a chemical problem! This is exactly
what you suspected. You have a horrible, disfiguring, invisible
chemical problem. You have a sign hung around your neck that says
- Do Not Sleep With Me No Matter How Much You Like Me! You
are a walking advertisement that says 'tell me about your boyfriend
problems because god fucking knows you will never consider me for
that job.' You are so sick of this. You hate this chemical problem.
It is why you are angry and fed up and considering becoming an Insufferable
Jerk.
What you
didn't know is that your chemical problem can be solved. That's
what has made you (and all your brethren) so hopeless. Nobody has
identified your chemical problem clearly and concisely and told
you step by step what the fuck to do to make it go away. They've
tried. They've encouraged you to 'be confident' or 'act cool' or
'chicks love guys with money' and so on. They know it's all chemical
and they are attempting to guide you toward behaviors that will
alter your chemistry. But you don't want to. Everything they
suggest is so unnatural and seems like it will lead to hooking up
with Unnatural Women who just want to ride around in a Corvette
convertible and drain your cash reserves, or who Don't Have a Brain,
or Who Are Really Stupid and Just Want To Have Sex while they giggle
a lot about their nail polish. Unnatural Women who Are Not Really
Human - that's the glum prospect you are facing. Plus, the chemical
alterations your friends suggest seem to involve changing your whole
personality from being a Nice Guy into something really shallow
and tasteless and fake and Totally Insufferable Jerk-Like. You are
reluctant to go that route. You are pissed. You are starting to
hate women. You need help.
So let's start
our soon to be successful attempt to help you by insulting you at
length. Let's get this part over with right at the beginning.
You are in a bad mood anyway and pretty fed up - a few insults aren't
going to make any difference now. So let's get them out of the way.
Insulting
Assertion #1: It's not that attractive women are attracted to Asshole
Pricks - They're Just Not Attracted To You! All right, some
women are attracted to you. Just not the ones you want. There are
lots of women attracted to you but they make you nervous and uncomfortable
and you wish they'd go away. There's something wrong with them.
And if by some unlikely chance what's wrong with them isn't immediately
visible, its presence can be quickly deduced by the fact they are
attracted to you.
Now
we are not going to make some alarming and heartbeat-racing suggestion
like telling you to look around and start being attracted to the Nice
Girls who are attracted to you. (Yes! Nice Girls have the same chemical
problem!) You don't want to do that. You don't want to start going
out with some goddamn awful Nice Girl. It's not that they aren't...you
know, incredibly nice and everything, it's just that...well, you know,
you don't want to have sex with them. Yes, you are doing the
same thing to women that women are doing to you. But who cares? Just
because you're a Nice Guy doesn't mean you have to start worrying about
all the Nice Girls in the world. That's boring! Let's focus on
where your true interest lies - the incredibly attractive women who
make incredible friends but would rather kill themselves than sleep
with you on a long-term committed basis when instead they could be telling
you all about their horrible problems with the boyfriends they actually
love!
Let's
get some big-picture perspective about Nice Guyness and Nice Girlness.
In point of fact, most Nice Guys are very successful sexually. They
spot a Moderately Nice Girl who appeals to them, snag themselves to
her like Velcro and settle down as soon as possible into a long-term
marriage type or boyfriend-girlfriend type relationship with her, stay
that way, indulging in periodic sex, friendship, and just plain old
being used to their companion for a long long time. Most Nice Guys are
getting laid because most Nice Guys are taken. They are not in
the market. You are. Different situation. Therefore you completely discount
the vast horde of Nice Guys from your calculations unless you happen
to be enviously eyeing their mate and wondering why you don't have one.
What's actually
left in the market are all the Asshole Guys and you. Gives you
pause, doesn't it. Sobering statistic. And of course if you start
counting things then naturally the Asshole Guys are getting laid a
lot more than you. That's what they do! That's their job! Of
course, they are fucking getting all the chicks and discarding them
like fast food burger wrappers. That's what they want! They're assholes!
You don't want that. You're a different personality type. You are
lazier. Your chemicals are worried about disease and yuckiness and
entanglement and psychotic weirdo bitches and all kinds of other things
their chemicals aren't the least bit worried about. Asshole guys play
an important evolutionary role and they have a profile and there
is an explanation for why they act the way they do. But you're
not one of them. Forget about it. It's too much trouble and too dangerous
for you to alter your chemical profile to become an Asshole Guy.
Insulting
Assertion #2: You are actually Mr. Mediocre - which is the best
possible deal for you - and a fairly good deal for almost everyone
else. So breathe easy and stop worrying about turning into a prick.
The mediocre rule the world and everybody loves them better. Take
advantage of this evolutionary rule and start cashing in. But
how...?
Recognizing that
the problem is not Women and Their Psychotic Desire to Be Attracted
to Jerks - the problem is You, will help. The problem is not your
personality or even your Niceness, or your looks, or your job, or
your bank account, your problem is Chemical Masking.
Yes, it's true,
you suffer from the often hidden illness of Social Brain Induced Chemical
Masking. We are going to put you through a rigorous program of Chemical
Un-masking, rip off your Camouflaging Social Chemicals and reveal
you to the women of the world in all your naked chemical glory! Boy
is that going to make you nervous. But it will work.
However, since
this a trademarked (and only recently patented) genuine prettyfedup.com
Crackpot Theory, it's going to take a little explanation so you'll
understand exactly how to rip off your Chemical Mask and attract the
girl of your dreams. Normally, you wouldn't be able to endure all
the explanation - and I wouldn't blame you - but right now you don't
have a girlfriend and you don't have anything better to do. Plus,
you really do want a goddamn fucking girlfriend. So you are going
to bite the bullet and click on the link below.
|
Related
Content, Unrelated Observations and Random Fucking Links:
Asshole
Guys (and the women date them) Demystified!
How
can I find true love, tell me now. How, how, how?
Now
that I have a girlfriend, how can I dump her?
Special
Vocabulary Word:
Your
Social Brain. Helpful by-product of evolution or your worst fucking
nightmare?
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