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Social Masking Chemicals....and how they fuck up your life!

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So you're a nice guy and time after time the women you want to be with just want to be 'friends' with you. You're frustrated, you're pissed, you're romantically unsuccessful and you're considering turning yourself into an Insufferable Jerk just to prove a point. The point being that if women want Insufferable Jerks well then goddammit, you can be as Insufferable as anyone else!

Except that unfortunately, you don't actually want to be an Insufferable Jerk. For one thing, it's too much work. For another thing, it makes you feel foolish and miserable and unnatural when you try. And finally, you aren't even very convincing at it. Bummer! So what you are actually going to do is sulk, and feel very sarcastic. While you are doing that, you are going to read all about yourself here at until gradually you have wasted a lot of time and feel much better about everything. Enjoy!

First of all, your problem is not that you are not Insufferable. You are not in the least bit Insufferable Deficient and in fact, are quite talented at it. You just haven't had the proper opportunity to display your hidden talents. We'll fix that, but first, we have to lay out the root evolutionary causes of your dilemma. If we do not do that, an insufficient amount of time will have been wasted and the process will not work and you will never ever ever find a girlfriend. Horrifying! So let's get right to it.

Evolutionary Root Cause #1: Sex brains like genetic diversity.

Notwithstanding the recent interest in cloning, genetic diversity makes sex brains drool. Your sex brain is constantly on the hunt for genetic diversity and Foreign Chemicals. What it does not want is Similar Chemicals. Especially not These Fucking Chemicals Are So Similar, This Person Could Easily Be Related to Me. That's a big no no as far as your sex brain is concerned. It is also the root of your problem with women. We'll explain why in a minute. First, a few words about your sex brain.

It wants as much genetic diversity as it can find in another human being within the limits of the Ugly Children Parameter. Your sex brain is very concerned about the possibility of Ugly Children and will therefore shy away from certain potential partners who are brimming with Foreign Chemicals. It has its limits.

This is because your sex brain is very concerned about children in general, namely yours. It makes the vast majority of its choices based on its calculation of their effect on the survivability of your potential offspring. And it could basically really give a shit about anything else. Genetic diversity is good for the survival of your potential offspring. Ergo, it seeks genetic diversity. Sex brains love genetic diversity so much that they will even kiss another person to find out if it exists!

Yes, some people unromantically refer to kissing as 'swapping spit'. Your sex brain doesn't think there's anything the least bit unromatic about swapping spit. It finds spit investigation incredibly rewarding.

While you are closing your eyes and moving your tongue, your sex brain is extremely busy scoping out the immune system of the person you are kissing. It is doing a detailed and intensive chemical assay of that person's spit, looking eagerly for a Major Histocompatibility Complex foreign from its own. The Major Histocompatibility Complex chemicals so very conveniently found in spit, along with a host of other DNA markers your sex brain finds positively fascinating, tell your sex brain what sort of infectious diseases the person you are kissing is ideally equipped to fight off. Your sex brain finds this even more interesting than their bank account or bra size because infectious diseases are a major evolutionary driver, being that they are ever so fucking efficient in killing off vast hordes of people. And your sex brain is not in a good mood about the possibility of them killing off your own personal little rug rats.

When your sex brain finds a way foreign Major Histocompatibility Complex very different from its own, it knows that your potential offspring will be better than you. Not only will they get DNA from you to fight off the diseases whose butt your MHC kicks, but they will also get DNA from this heavenly foreign MHC carrier that will allow your kids to fight off a whole bunch more diseases. Your kids will get double the disease-fighting power.

When your sex brain detects foreign MHC while kissing, it goes into such trembling ecstasy that it sets your whole body on fire. It races around every portion of you screaming 'Oh my fucking god, check out the Major Histocompatibility Complex on this one! Oh my god, I am in love. Oh shit! Think of the disease-free children we're going to spawn with this one! Oh my god, I get so hot just thinking about it, vast quantities of healthy disease-free children running around, propagating my genes and making me so fucking happy I could die. I have hit the mother lode. I am in Major Histocompatibility Complex heaven. Oh jesus. Must get pregnant now. Sex now! Pregnancy now. Now, now, now...' And so on.

If you think I am exaggerating your sex brain's enthusiasm for a Major Histocompatibility Complex unlike your own, you have been sorely deprived of worthy kissing experiences. Stumbling on a foreign Major Histocompatibility Complex is one of your sex brain's most important goals in life and it will reward you handsomely for achieving it.

Now of course man cannot live on Major Histocompatibility Complexes alone. In fact, your sex brain actively scours your environment and the Other People you come in contact with for a whole bunch of chemical information transmitted through sweat, smell, taste, touch, sight, and mysterious invisible chemical transmission routes, such as those used by pheronomes. There you are, sluffing off on the couch, watching a football game, while your brain is busy getting a Ph.D. in organic chemistry. And they say you have nothing upstairs!

Naturally, of course, every woman you meet is doing the same chemical assay on you that you're doing on her. And even more thoroughly. And here's what's happening that is fucking up your love life. You are flunking the Foreign Chemical Test! You are pumping out 'These Fucking Chemicals Are So Similar, This Person Could Easily Be Related to Me' chemicals around the women you are attracted to. You are sending out chemical signals that are telling women you are their brother! You dork! This is not good! And what's worse is you know this is happening because they even say things to you sometimes like 'Jeff, you know you're like a brother to me and I'll always love you but I just think we ought to stay, you know....friends.' And so on. Aaaaggghhh! This is a disaster!

(If you are a woman, they are saying things to you - and out loud even - like, 'Shelly, you know you're one of my favorite people, you're like a little sister to me.' Aaaaaggghhhh!)

Now how on fucking earth could you be sending out chemical signals that say you are related to the women you are attracted to when in fact you are not from Arkansas and you are not lusting after women who are related to you? How could such a major inconvenient chemical fuck-up occur? What causes this incredibly common love life disaster?

Here is where it helps to know a little bit about evolution. Or actually here is where it helps to be the webmistress and to have an advanced gift for making up Crackpot Theories about evolution. One of the two.

So understand that when humans were at their busiest evolving, they were basically hanging out in loose Clumps of people more or less related to themselves. Some people like to refer to these Clumps as hunter-gatherer tribes but the technical, scientifically accurate term is Clumps. Because that's what they were. People loosely clumped together based on chemistry, necessity, and lack of any better ideas.

These Clumps of genetically and chemically similar people hung out together and provided each other with assistance, support, protection, shelter, defense, cooperation in obtaining necessary foodstuffs and lots of other happy, fun things that made them seem more or less like a socially cohesive group fond of happy funness as well as bickering, internal strife, envy, grumpiness, lingering resentments and all the other things that make an extended family-type group such a goddarn barrel of wonderfulness. It was a great system.

Digressionary Note: Sometimes, even within families, there is sufficient genetic diversity that someone is produced with a markedly different chemical signature. This is the Black Sheep Syndrome. The family member that doesn't fit in, that is treated like and feels as though they are foreign even within their own family. Chemistry is important!

Special Note to Black Sheep: It's not your fault your family hates your chemicals. It's not their fault that you hate theirs. It's genetics, it happens. Just bail the fuck out as soon as possible and go find yourself a chemically compatible clump. No need to fuck up the rest of your life by going around with the attitude that everyone is going to hate your chemicals for some mysterious reason. Not true. Only your family will. No need to transmit unconscious repellent I Know You're Going To Fucking Hate Me Everybody Does Chemicals. Unless you'd just like to. Your call.

Meanwhile, back to our story of the Chemically Similar Clump. Of course you tried to avoid getting pregnant with any of these chemically similar people since that would violate the genetic diversity rule and make your sex brain mad at you. But day in and day out you associated your brothers and cousins and aunts and uncles and grandparents and so on (anthropologists like to call these peope 'kin' because anthropologists are so dorky!) with the basic help and coming through for you in a pinch-ness that makes friends and relatives so valuable and rewarding. The women who are driving you insane with frustration and pushing you toward Insufferable Jerkness think you are one of these people.

You can even tell by the way they treat you - they look to you for social protection, assistance, support, necessary foodstuffs and so on. They think you are part of their Clump. It's so fucking easy to see once you know the pattern. Think about it! You know it's true. They don't think you're a potential mate - they think they can borrow your truck to move their furniture! You're like family! And family members are not supposed to fuck each other.

Technically however, you are not. You are actually from a Foreign Clump and therefore a potentially suitable mate. There is nothing genetically or morally wrong with having sex with you. Why can't they see this? What's going wrong?

War is what's going wrong. War is fucking up your life. You see, occasionally one of these Clumps would fall on hard times. They'd run out of food and resources in their territory, the weather would change, droughts would occur, flooding would ruin everything and the Clump would have to pack up its shit and go looking for another territory. Frequently when it found a suitable replacement territory it would already be occupied by Another Clump with Foreign Chemicals. Yes, unrelated humans would have their asses parked on a luscious resource-rich territory and would be busy scarfing up its goodies. Following the Starve or Kill Imperative, the two Clumps would then face off against each other and try to kill each other's motherfucking asses. War would ensue.

Based on many occurrences of this scenario, your body figured out in its evolutionary way that suddenly finding yourself face to face with a quantity of unfamiliar Foreign Chemicals was very bad news. This probably wouldn't be happening unless they had every intention of kiling you, raping your women, stealing your stuff, plundering your territory and obliterating your humble little evolutionary existence. Which is why to this very day, your body has an innate suspicion against and dislike of Unfamiliar Foreign Chemicals. You hate those goddamn foreign chemicals, particularly in quantity - they make you uptight, suspicious, defensive, and inclined toward prejudice, racism, fear, and general unease. (Just in case you were wondering why you and your brethren exhibit those traits. Side note.)

More side note: You have by now already figured out why wartime rape is so popular. Genetic diversity! Why let hatred, suspicion and the Starve Or Kill Imperative stand in the way of a little genetic diversity? Foreign chemicals - healthy children. Wartime rape.

Be that as it may, your Clump and the Foreign Clump would get busy trying to kill each other until one or the other of you basically succeeded. At that point, it would be determined which Clump had the ability to exploit the territory and things would settle down. One hitch though - a few members of the losing clump would often be left. In a normal war, not everybody on both sides get killed. A few accidentally survive. But what are these stragglers from the now Minority Clump to do?

Let's think this through. You are way outnumbered. You stick out like a sore thumb, transmitting your foreign chemicals right and left. Very tense situation. Your very body chemistry, appearance, and so on, are a chemical trigger inviting aggression against you. Yet, now would probably not be a good time to be aggressive yourself, due to the way fucking outnumbered factor. It's not going to do you or anybody else any fucking good for you to die now. Hmmmm....perhaps now would be a good time to be....nice. Yes sirree bob, that's the ticket. Assimilate. When in Rome, do as the Romans do, since there are a fucking lot of them. Adapt. Blend in. Avoid death.

And because evolution is way fucking cleverer than anything you would ever think up on your own, it figures out how to actually alter your chemical signature, by hiding your true foreign chemicals and adopting masking chemicals that resemble the chemicals of the Prevailing Clump. Your body literally tries to fool the Other Clump into thinking you are one of the family. You are kin, entitled to and providing protection, assistance, support and all that other crap. No one wants to kill you, they think you're their brother!

What a great fucking idea! And even better, it works. This little bit of chemical deception has been helping little individual humans survive for a long long time. It helps heal the wounds of war, promotes genetic diversity through assimilation and is just generally a great fucking deal for everyone.

Some of us are better at masking chemicals than others. Some have a very poor ability to mask their chemicals and they stick out like sore thumbs wherever they go. You do not have this problem. You are chemically advanced. You are a Master Chemical Deceiver. You don't do this on purpose. You don't even know you are doing it. You don't know how to turn it on and you don't know how to turn it off. It just happens and there you are busily transmitting Assimilating Similar Chemicals instead of the Foreign Genetic Diversity Chemicals that will win the heart of the woman of your dreams.

This chemical ability you have is a very good thing. It helps your life in many ways. It really does help you blend in, avoid conflict, be nice, assimilate, adapt, prevail, win over, participate in goodie-sharing and all sorts of wonderful things. And on the few occasions when you don't successfully chemically mask and you are in the chemical minority, you get a taste of just how unpleasant it can be not to be able to hide your chemical signature. So you do hide it. This is great. Except that it fucks up your love life.

Because, ironically, it is precisely when you are attracted to a woman that your chemical deception kicks into gear. You are attracted because you have sensed the presence of Foreign Genetic Diversity Chemicals. Meanwhile, the Foreign Genetic Diversity Chemicals are precisely the trigger that tells your Social Brain that you are in Enemy Territory and must immediately transmit false chemicals for your safety. The more you like her -the worse it is! The more you like her, the greater the danger your body perceives you to be in, the greater the deception, the more she thinks you are her brother, the more hopeless everything becomes and so on and so forth. Aaaaagggghhhh! You'll never get laid!

Okay, now that we have laid out your situation in excruciating detail we can get into the practical stuff of how you can overcome the dreaded Brother Syndrome.



Related Content, Unrelated Observations and Random Fucking Links:

Important Vocabulary:

Sex Brain

Important Question:

Now that I have a girlfriend, how can I dump her?

Special Vocabulary Word:

Your Social Brain. Helpful by-product of evolution or your worst fucking nightmare?


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