How can
I tell how personally Fucked Up I personally am? I mean, am I more
fucked up than everyone else or not? How do I personally rank in the
Fucked Up Derby? I'm curious.
Good question.
Everyone likes to rank themselves and compare themselves to others
and to know where they stand. Just in case it should ever come in
handy to know whether you are More Stressed Out Than Everyone Else
or Normally Stressed Out or Not Stressed Out Enough and so on. And
of course, knowing how Fucked Up you are in comparison to everyone
else is a very handy bit of information you can use to gloat, shore
up your self-esteem, get depressed about, or even use to understand
Other People.
So let's embark
on a fun and handy Interactive Fucked Up Quiz, just to kill some time.
How will you score?
First, let's introduce
some Concepts and some Crackpot Theories and so on, because we thrive
on those things here at prettyfedup.com and prize them for their time-wasting
qualities.
Concept No.
1: Utilizing some higher mathematics and some advanced computer
graphics modeling software, The Handy Fucked Up Interactive Quiz can
be used to create a 3-D model of your Fuckedupness that will end up
looking exactly like you! Pretty exciting. However, the advanced
computer graphics modeing software is not included with this website,
so Concept No. 1 is pretty fucking useless. So we'll move right along
to Concept No. 2.
Concept No.
2: Fuckedupness is an index of your personal Pain. You would think
it would be an index of screwedupness or wrongness or Defective Deficiencyness
or in some other way an indication of what the fuck is wrong with
you. You would think. Unfortunately, however, and very disappointingly,
nothing whatsoever is wrong with you.
On the other hand,
there may be plenty wrong with your life! Causing all sorts of lurid
and exotic and fascinating personal Fuckedupness for you. So now that
we are cheered up again, we'll move on to Concept No. 3 which is:
Concept No.
3: Fuckedupness exists in many dimensions and has many qualities
and generally tries to be as complicated as possible. Because you
are a very complicated advanced specimen of evolution with a gigantic
Brain and many qualities of your own and anything less complicated
would be unworthy of you. So let's start measuring some dimensions!
Scientific
and Handy Interactive Fucked Up Quiz: How Fucked Up Are You?
Fucked Up Dimension
No. 1: Intensity. Answer this question to determine your Personal
Fucked Up Intensity.
Quiz Question
#1: How much pain are you personally in about your life and how
intense is it? Choose one answer, a bountiful variety of answers,
or make one up. Changing your mind several times is allowed. Once
you have chosen an answer, click on the letter beside it to go straight
to your personal score. Because you really don't care about anyone
else's.
a)
None. I am deliriously fucking happy and ecstatic.
b)
None. I am determinedly neutral.
c)
A little bit. Kind of. Not too bad. I mean, I'm not exactly in pain
about it, I mean I'm not saying things are so great, I mean it could
be better...why are you asking anyway?
d)
Um, well, some.
e)
Kind of a lot. I mean, I think my life is okay other than the fact
that I really really hate it.
f)
Definitely a lot.
g)
What's it to you jerk-face? Do I look like I'm in pain? Oh yeah...well,
it just so happens to be none of your fucking business, all right?
h)
Oh god help me.
i)
I would answer this question if I could ungrit my teeth.
j)
I'm in agony and someone is going to die.
k)
I'm not in pain about my life and I refuse to be because I believe
in having a POSITIVE OUTLOOK and OVERCOMING OBSTACLES. Sure, some
things about my life may be kind of fucked up but I AM WORKING ON
THEM and I think things are really going to turn around here soon.
l)
I don't know. I don't really understand the question. I mean,
how would I answer this? I mean, I can't tell really. Why? Do you
know something I don't?
Very good.
Now, for your score. This is a score as you go activity, so that you
can figure out how the quiz is biased and cheat better later.
a)
Congratulations! You are suffering from Temporary Happiness
and for the moment you are UnfuckedUp. Don't worry. This will go away.
In the meantime, get outside and enjoy yourself and stop taking this
stupid fucking quiz.
b)
You are Fucked Up. Plain wrapper fucked up with no adjectives. Being
neutral indicates you have reached Homeostatic
Fuckedupness in which all the various things you are unhappy about
have risen to satiety level and are busy cancelling each other out
and you basically can't feel anything about anything one way or the
other any more. Congratulations!
c)
You are More Than A Little Fucked Up and suffering from Confusion
Side Effect. This happens when you are unhappy and in pain about
your life but it's a little more than you can handle and so you are
employing varying anesthetics that are clouding your mind and leaving
you very confused as to whether you are actually Fucked Up or not.
So I am here to introduce a little clarity and tell you that are definitely
qualify as Fucked Up. Congratulations and welcome!
d)
You
are verging on Normally but Boringly Fucked Up. This is when
you still have the ability to recognize pain when you stumble across
it but there is nothing so compellingly intense about it as to make
you wake up and really do something interesting about it. Instead
you kind of wishy-washy around things and won't commit to either Fucked
Up or UnfuckedUp. This is a very popular if dull category. It's kind
of unspecial and can lead to a semi-stressed yet unfulfilling regular
life just like everyone else has. Which may or may not be to your
taste. Still, you are not such a priss that you run around pretending
everything is fine and being some sort of happiness fascist. So this
qualifies you as being eligible to join the Fucked Up Club. Congratulations
and welcome!
e)
Good. You are Vigorously Fucked Up and yet not Cripplingly
Fucked Up. Things are not so terrible that you don't have some sense
of humor left. You are in pain yet trying to keep things in perspective.
You are a little hesitant, but you have some energy. You are in very
good shape to get even more Fucked Up soon. Congratulations!
f)
Congratulations! You are either Pretty Fucked Up or All
Fucked Up depending on whether you are privately fucked up or
publicly fucked up respectively. You are in the middle of the Fucked
Up Scale and therefore strangely closer to Temporary Happiness and
getting UnfuckedUp than the other locations on the scale. Hopefully,
you didn't just give this answer to try and get sympathy in which
case you would be Helplessly and Hopelessly Fucked Up and a lot further
from Temporary Happiness. Either way you are Fucked Up. Congratulations!
g)
You are in a state of Cramping and Muscle Strain Fuckedupness in which
you are attempting to cope with the pain of life by getting all uptight.
Not a silly strategy. But we probably need to get you a little Unfuckedup
before anything good can happen to you again. Congratulations on your
Tense and Uptight Fuckedupness.
h)
Congratulations, you are Straightforwardly and Rather Desperately
Fucked Up. This is frequently a good sign because if you can hang
with this, something good often happens and you will experience an
incredible jolt of Relief Happiness when it does. Relief Happiness
is really exciting. Good work.
i)
Okay, you are in a state of Survival Fuckedupness. This is
when your life sucks and you really need to grit your teeth until
you can get out of it and into a better one. In this case, how fucked
up you are is not really as important as just Finding A Way Out.
Don't worry about your score or ranking in this quiz, you are a honorary
Member of the Fucked Up Club just for being in this situation. Welcome!
j)
You are in a state of Crisis Fuckedupness or, as you noted
yourself, Agony and Danger. This can be life-threatening and
sometimes is. You're in the red zone of Fuckedupness and we need to
get you out even if you are very very tough about handling these situations.
We need to quickly implement a two-pronged plan. (A plan without prongs
is just not very much fun.) Prong 1: Do not kill yourself or
anyone else. No matter what. Very important prong. Go so far as to
ask for help if you have to but do not kill anyone. Prong 2:
You should be devoting some concentrated time and attention to getting
UnfuckedUp as rapidly and efficiently as possible. Or at the very
least reducing your total Fuckedupness score. And when you're not
doing that you can always kill a little time here at prettyfedup.com.
You certainly deserve some sort of a break. Welcome!
k)
You are Really
Fucked Up. In many ways, you are in the worst shape of anyone
here with the possible exception of Mr. J above who is about to blow
a gasket. So many things in your life are Really Fucked Up that you
can't stand them and you are scared and terrified and you just can't
fucking handle the stress and pain any more. So you are dosing yourself
with Optimism and Hope, which are indeed powerful and effective drugs,
but misused they will slash and burn their way through your life,
leaving nothing but ruins in their wake. So be careful with these
suckers.
If you are Really
Fucked Up and feeling weak when you overdose on Hope and Optimism,
you will have a tendency to Deny Reality and become and all dependent
and helpless and start sucking the life out of everyone around you
to feed your Really Fucked Up Illusions until, until....well, it's
just too awful for me to go into detail. If you are Really Fucked
Up and feeling strong when you overdose on Hope and Optimism, then
you will have a tendency to become a Happiness Fascist. You will want
to squash and grind the life out of everyone around you by enforcing
Artificial Happiness and not letting anyone be the charmingly
fucked up people they are and you will kill love and life and laughter
and happiness and....
The bottom line
is Be Careful About Denying that You are Fucked Up and In Pain When
You Are. Nasty, nasty side effects. If you are in pain and going to
dose yourself with Hope and Optimism, which is certainly fucking understandable,
be sure to follow the directions on the label. Which are:
"Hope
and Optimism. Take in moderate,
realistic to slightly unrealistic daily doses for relief of pain caused
by life. Always admit you are in pain before taking. Warning:
Do not take if you have a tendency to deny reality or deny you are
in pain as Hope and Optimism are themselves Denial Agents and the
combined effects can lead to system shutdown and a complete lack of
contact with Reality."
l)
Congratulations! You would be Fucked Up Enough to qualify for
some major sympathy if you were actually living inside your life.
But your life is all fucked up and in so many ways that you aren't.
You have stepped outside it. Which means you can't answer questions
or access information based on sensations like pain and pleasure that
you would get if you were actually inside your own life. And you have
to rely on other people to tell you whether or not your life looks
fucked up. Which it might not, even if it is. Although getting outside
your life when it sucks is not a terrible idea, at some point you
might want to get inside it again, in which case it might be worth
your while to fix it so it will make a more hospitable home for you.
Just a thought. In any case, don't feel lonely, you still qualify
to join the Fucked Up Club. Welcome!
Okay, everyone
did very very well on the first question and you all qualify for the
succeeding bonus rounds. Good work. The next question is on the next
page, but first...
Give yourself
a score between zero and 12 for the first question based on whatever
number you think goes with the description that went with your answer.
If you gave several answers, you can average, divide, multiply, subtract,
add or perform any other mathematical maneuver you remember from grade
school. You can also give yourself a fractional score like 5 1/2 or
a percentage score if you'd like. It's just a fucking quiz for Christ's
sake, you can do whatever you want!
Answer more questions
to determine your Final Bonus Ranking....
prettyfedup.com