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Male Wussiness Syndrome and other mysteries of married life....

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Okay, so last week my husband and I were at a public place. A restaurant actually if you have to know. And these other patrons started abusing me over some alleged infraction on my part. (They wanted a certain booth, I thought I had gotten there first, but in the end I let them have the fucking booth if they want it so bad.) Anyway, these people started abusing me. I mean they wouldn't shut up. They kept going on and on about how rude they thought I was. It was pretty upsetting, especially since I let them have the goddamn booth. Well, the thing is, my husband DID NOT STICK UP FOR ME. Not at all. He pretended the whole thing wasn't happening. In fact, he acted like he didn't know me. Why didn't my husband stick up for me? Shouldn't I expect the man that asked to share my life to get involved? Am I wrong about this? Am I just all fucked up or is he? Let me know, please. Thanks.

Ah, the very common what the fuck is wrong with my husband question. These questions are often very hard to ask because you wouldn't feel like asking them unless your feelings were deeply hurt. Which they are because the answer you are giving yourself to the why didn't my husband stick up for me question is - he doesn't love me. This is a natural, if upsetting, conclusion to jump to, usually followed by the natural, if upsetting defense of - he is just wrong and I am right. Hopefully you have already taken these necessary first human steps of feeling like that your husband doesn't love you and then deciding that he is just wrong. If you haven't done this already, please take a moment now to do so.

Very good. Now that we've gotten that out of the way, I'm going to give you a very different answer to the why the fuck didn't he stick up for me question.

Answer: Your husband was suffering from acute temporary Male Wussiness Syndrome.

This is an incredibly common recurring although temporary disease that men suffer from, much like the common cold. And much like being married to a man who is temporarily suffering from the common cold, you will find that his inability to handle it makes his disease is almost as bad for you, if not worse, than it is for him. Isn't marriage fun?

How can we identify when a man you might be otherwise attached to is suffering from Male Wussiness Syndrome? It's easy! There are 3 components to Male Wussiness Syndrome as it affects you. They are:

a) You are with a male.
b) Something happens.
c) In response, he acts like a complete fucking wuss.

Every woman has experienced this. In fact, the odds are quite good that you will experience it many times. If you haven't been married long - let's say anywhere under 5 decades, the chances are quite high that if you stay married, you will have the opportunity to experience this so many times that you will develop a little running argument with him about it.

But it's not enough for you to know that this happens to everyone and it isn't about fate picking on you personally. You want to know why do they do that? Why do they let you down in public? Why do they fail to stick up for you? Is it because they don't really love you? Is it because they are just chicken shit? Let's explore the mysteries of this strange male phenomenon more deeply.

Male Wussiness Syndrome Cause #1: Male Social Brains Don't Work The Way Yours Does.

From your point of view, this means their social brains don't work right. Yours works right, theirs works wrong. For the rest of your life, you are going to consider this a major major flaw on their part. Leaving aside whether yours is right and theirs is wrong or not, we're just going to look at how it's different so your feelings won't be so hurt.

Way It's Different #1: The male social brain doesn't work as quickly. Your Social Brain, left to its own devices, will size up the entirety of a situation very quickly and behave accordingly. After it has done this, it will break the upsetting situation down into its component parts for processing and start crying. This is how it gets rid of the excess chemicals it built up by processing the situation so quickly in the first place. It does this for survival. In the restaurant situation, your social brain sized up the situation as best being handled by letting the other patrons have the booth and it spurred you to behave accordingly. Then it analyzed the situation for all component meanings and possible ramifications for your future social status and started balling its eyes out. It got very mad at your husband because it spotted an Extremely Disturbing Trend in which he does not back you up socially. So now we have establshed that you behaved completely normally. But what was going on in his head?

Meanwhile, as you were facing a social crisis, your husband's brain was poking along dimly trying to perceive the outlines of situation. As it ever so slowly started to realize there was something amiss, his social brain asked itself the burning question - Am I personally in danger? Noting that the other patrons were yelling at you and not him, it noted that he was not. Okay, it said to itself, no reason for me to get excited. Aha! This is exactly what you suspected! The selfish bastard was only thinking of himself! Aha! You knew this!

This is why you hate him. This is why you suspect he is an idiot. You knew he was a dope. You knew you were smarter than he was. You knew that if you said anything he was going to say 'What? What? What's the big deal?' This is an element of maleness you are never going to stop hating and if you are smart you are never going to stop forgiving him for. Male 'What?' Syndrome will most likely never go away. They just don't fucking see it. Whatever it was, they didn't see it, didn't understand it, and have no fucking idea what the implications are. You, being the socially intelligent creature that you are, immediately realized that the implication of the situation is that you could very easily spend the rest of your life being screamed at by strangers while your husband does a good imitation of mashed potatoes. Social implications are not their strong suit.

You don't like this. And he doesn't understand this.

So now, naturally, you want to know what to do about this. Because in spite of your husband's advanced inability to respond to strong social cues such as yelling by strangers at restaurants, you really don't want to spend the rest of your life this way. Whether he loves you or not. Which he probably does. Although it might take him a long time to figure that out if suddenly subjected to a pop quiz. So now we're going to teach you how to manipulate him so this doesn't happen again.

Manipulation Step #1: Since their brains are only wired to respond to quickly to situations in which the social danger directly affects them - make it affect them.

For example, train yourself in a restaurant situation such as the above, to say something like - 'You guys better pipe down or my husband will beat you up. He's a black belt in karate.' Since he is not, in fact, a black belt in karate, this little statement, said loudly and distinctly, will catch his attention in a hurry.

In other words - you are going to make him stick up for you - by dragging him into it whether he wants to be dragged in or not! Once you claim he will beat someone else up, his eyes will go wide faster than a trailer park gets trashed in a tornado; yes, his little eyes will pop like bugs' eyes, and those little black parts in the middle will swell to 3 times their normal size as they frantically try to take in all the information possible about the situation. Once the ensuing scuffle with the other patrons is over, and you are outside the restaurant, he is going to be mad at you for placing him in danger like this. Don't you worry about that! A little elevated heart rate is good for him every once in a while. Keeps him tuned up. Cleans his clock. Since this might not be your first instinct in an upsetting social situation, you may need to practice!

Try causing a scene in a number of different places, such while waiting for popcorn at a movie theater, at a Subway sandwich shop, while ordering ice cream at a local ice cream parlor, during a rock concert, at a gathering of motorcycle enthusiasts, and so on. Try to pick a fight with large and intimidating people. Then drop your little planted line about your husband's martial arts prowess, prison background, ability with a knife or whatever other little lie you come up with to give him a heart attack. You don't need to do this more than oh - about 4 times in the next few months or so.

But believe me, if you do, your relationship will improve. Your husband's heart health will get better from the unexpected exercise it gets as he tries desperately to figure out how to keep the large and intimidating people from killing him over something you did. This increased oxygen due to fear will increase his muscle tone, help him lose weight, and enhance his sex drive. It will help keep him from turning into a flabby couch potato. It's a little known fact that many modern men in today's society suffer from a severe deficit of Sudden and Unexpected Danger that greatly endangers their health and well-being. Reverse this terrible trend for your own beloved hubby by scaring the hell out of him in public. As a loving wife, you can do no less for him!

Now you may be saying to yourself - I can't do that! The man's obviously a wussy chicken shit! He's the last person I would brag about being a karate black belt. No one would believe it. I just wanted him to stick up for me. Okay, okay. I understand your point. And you are correct. But that's completely irrelevant to our purposes. His brain is wired to respond to danger to himself. He may respond like a chicken shit. He may respond like a hero. But to get him to respond at all, you need to bring the danger around to something he can perceive and understand - like potentially getting beat up by total strangers. This will wake up his senses. You don't want him to spend the rest of his life snoozing, now do you? You owe it to him!

Secondly, you may be saying to yourself - well, what's wrong with him? Isn't he supposed to respond to danger to his loved ones, not just himself? Are you saying all men are irredeemably selfish - or just the man I'm married to? The answer is neither. Men are supposed to respond to danger to their loved ones as well as themselves - in fact, they do this - which is why they suit up for war and travel many miles from home to endure bad food, loud noises, and potential death. But the danger they are most able to perceive is physical danger, not social danger. Your mother-in-law could say something snotty to you that would make you look bad in front of 20 people that are really important to you - and explaining to your husband why that's not a good thing could easily take 17 solid hours! You don't have that much time! And yet that's how slowly their brains work in assessing these sorts of things. They are slow on the uptake. This is not good for you - but that's why we're teaching you how to work the system by translating social dangers into something he can understand.

Thirdly, understand that men are very often not all that enthusiastic about being dragged into these kinds of things and forced to defend themselves and you, particularly when all kinds of threats have been made on their behalf that they aren't really physically equipped to carry out. In other words, even though you are doing this for their benefit because you care so very much about their health - often they don't appreciate your incredibly loving gesture! So be prepared to deal with the aftermath of your shenanigans by pouring on the flattery. Most of the time, they will not be able to figure out exactly what you're doing - which is good - but they may still be rather upset by the whole causing a scene and claiming they will beat people up thing - which is even better! It was pretty fucking upsetting to you when you got dissed in the restaurant - it's only fair that you share that!

Remember, as you are rapidly leaving the restaurant, that if asked you will only say things that indicate that you really do think he's as good as a black belt. You admire him, you look up to him, he's your hero, blah, blah, blah. Obviously, considering his recent lack of action, this is a lie. But it's a lie that will work for both of you. His already pumping heart will speed oxygen to his Flattery Receptor Cells, which may pretend they aren't pleased, but really they are. Even if he knows you've got to be lying.

This kind of incident is good for his testosterone level - it really does increase in response to challenges. If he's not challenged, his testosterone level is going to get flabby. You want to perk it up occasionally for your own mental and sexual health and his as well. If you play your cards right, and cause your little scenes in close proximity to your home so that you can scoot toward your bedroom to take advantage of his activated hormones, you may go from feeling unloved, dejected, and unromantic, to very loved, romantic, and in the mood to get some glow on.

And there you go - another marriage saved, courtesy of



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