Okay, so
last week my husband and I were at a public place. A restaurant actually
if you have to know. And these other patrons started abusing me over
some alleged infraction on my part. (They wanted a certain booth,
I thought I had gotten there first, but in the end I let them have
the fucking booth if they want it so bad.) Anyway, these people started
abusing me. I mean they wouldn't shut up. They kept going on and on
about how rude they thought I was. It was pretty upsetting, especially
since I let them have the goddamn booth. Well, the thing is, my husband
DID NOT STICK UP FOR ME. Not at all. He pretended the whole thing
wasn't happening. In fact, he acted like he didn't know me. Why
didn't my husband stick up for me? Shouldn't I expect the man that
asked to share my life to get involved? Am I wrong about this? Am
I just all fucked up or is he? Let me know, please. Thanks.
Ah, the very
common what the fuck is wrong with my husband question. These
questions are often very hard to ask because you wouldn't feel like
asking them unless your feelings were deeply hurt. Which they are
because the answer you are giving yourself to the why didn't my husband
stick up for me question is - he doesn't love me. This is a natural,
if upsetting, conclusion to jump to, usually followed by the natural,
if upsetting defense of - he is just wrong and I am right. Hopefully
you have already taken these necessary first human steps of feeling
like that your husband doesn't love you and then deciding that he
is just wrong. If you haven't done this already, please take a moment
now to do so.
Very good.
Now that we've gotten that out of the way, I'm going to give you a
very different answer to the why the fuck didn't he stick up for me
question.
Answer: Your
husband was suffering from acute temporary Male Wussiness Syndrome.
This is an incredibly
common recurring although temporary disease that men suffer from,
much like the common cold. And much like being married to a man who
is temporarily suffering from the common cold, you will find that
his inability to handle it makes his disease is almost as bad for
you, if not worse, than it is for him. Isn't marriage fun?
How can we identify
when a man you might be otherwise attached to is suffering from Male
Wussiness Syndrome? It's easy! There are 3 components to Male
Wussiness Syndrome as it affects you. They are:
a)
You are with a male.
b)
Something happens.
c)
In response, he acts like a complete fucking wuss.
Every woman has
experienced this. In fact, the odds are quite good that you will experience
it many times. If you haven't been married long - let's say anywhere
under 5 decades, the chances are quite high that if you stay married,
you will have the opportunity to experience this so many times that
you will develop a little running argument with him about it.
But
it's not enough for you to know that this happens to everyone and
it isn't about fate picking on you personally. You want to
know why do they do that? Why do they let you down in public?
Why do they fail to stick up for you? Is it because they don't really
love you? Is it because they are just chicken shit? Let's explore
the mysteries of this strange male phenomenon more deeply.
Male Wussiness
Syndrome Cause #1: Male Social Brains Don't Work The Way Yours Does.
From your point
of view, this means their social brains don't work right. Yours works
right, theirs works wrong. For the rest of your life, you are going
to consider this a major major flaw on their part. Leaving aside whether
yours is right and theirs is wrong or not, we're just going to look
at how it's different so your feelings won't be so hurt.
Way It's
Different #1: The male social brain doesn't work as quickly. Your
Social Brain, left to its own devices, will size up the entirety
of a situation very quickly and behave accordingly. After it has
done this, it will break the upsetting situation down into its component
parts for processing and start crying. This is how it gets rid of
the excess chemicals it built up by processing the situation so
quickly in the first place. It does this for survival. In the restaurant
situation, your social brain sized up the situation as best being
handled by letting the other patrons have the booth and it spurred
you to behave accordingly. Then it analyzed the situation for all
component meanings and possible ramifications for your future social
status and started balling its eyes out. It got very mad at your
husband because it spotted an Extremely Disturbing Trend
in which he does not back you up socially. So now we have establshed
that you behaved completely normally. But what was going on
in his head?
Meanwhile, as
you were facing a social crisis, your husband's brain was poking
along dimly trying to perceive the outlines of situation. As it
ever so slowly started to realize there was something amiss, his
social brain asked itself the burning question - Am I personally
in danger? Noting that the other patrons were yelling at you
and not him, it noted that he was not. Okay, it said to itself,
no reason for me to get excited. Aha! This is exactly what you
suspected! The selfish bastard was only thinking of himself! Aha!
You knew this!
This is why
you hate him. This is why you suspect he is an idiot. You knew he
was a dope. You knew you were smarter than he was. You knew that
if you said anything he was going to say 'What? What? What's the
big deal?' This is an element of maleness you are never going to
stop hating and if you are smart you are never going to stop forgiving
him for. Male 'What?' Syndrome will most likely never go away.
They just don't fucking see it. Whatever it was, they didn't
see it, didn't understand it, and have no fucking idea what the
implications are. You, being the socially intelligent creature that
you are, immediately realized that the implication of the situation
is that you could very easily spend the rest of your life being
screamed at by strangers while your husband does a good imitation
of mashed potatoes. Social implications are not their strong
suit.
You don't like
this. And he doesn't understand this.
So now, naturally,
you want to know what to do about this. Because in spite of your husband's
advanced inability to respond to strong social cues such as yelling
by strangers at restaurants, you really don't want to spend the rest
of your life this way. Whether he loves you or not. Which he probably
does. Although it might take him a long time to figure that out if
suddenly subjected to a pop quiz. So now we're going to teach you
how to manipulate him so this doesn't happen again.
Manipulation
Step #1: Since their brains are only wired to respond to quickly to
situations in which the social danger directly affects them - make
it affect them.
For example, train
yourself in a restaurant situation such as the above, to say something
like - 'You guys better pipe down or my husband will beat you up.
He's a black belt in karate.' Since he is not, in fact, a black belt
in karate, this little statement, said loudly and distinctly, will
catch his attention in a hurry.
In other words
- you are going to make him stick up for you - by dragging
him into it whether he wants to be dragged in or not! Once you claim
he will beat someone else up, his eyes will go wide faster than a
trailer park gets trashed in a tornado; yes, his little eyes will
pop like bugs' eyes, and those little black parts in the middle will
swell to 3 times their normal size as they frantically try to take
in all the information possible about the situation. Once the ensuing
scuffle with the other patrons is over, and you are outside the restaurant,
he is going to be mad at you for placing him in danger like this.
Don't you worry about that! A little elevated heart rate is good
for him every once in a while. Keeps him tuned up. Cleans his
clock. Since this might not be your first instinct in an upsetting
social situation, you may need to practice!
Try causing
a scene in a number of different places, such while waiting for
popcorn at a movie theater, at a Subway sandwich shop, while ordering
ice cream at a local ice cream parlor, during a rock concert, at a
gathering of motorcycle enthusiasts, and so on. Try to pick a fight
with large and intimidating people. Then drop your little planted
line about your husband's martial arts prowess, prison background,
ability with a knife or whatever other little lie you come up with
to give him a heart attack. You don't need to do this more than oh
- about 4 times in the next few months or so.
But believe me,
if you do, your relationship will improve. Your husband's heart health
will get better from the unexpected exercise it gets as he tries desperately
to figure out how to keep the large and intimidating people from killing
him over something you did. This increased oxygen due to fear will
increase his muscle tone, help him lose weight, and enhance his sex
drive. It will help keep him from turning into a flabby couch potato.
It's a little known fact that many modern men in today's society
suffer from a severe deficit of Sudden and Unexpected Danger that
greatly endangers their health and well-being. Reverse this terrible
trend for your own beloved hubby by scaring the hell out of him in
public. As a loving wife, you can do no less for him!
Now you may
be saying to yourself - I can't do that! The man's obviously a wussy
chicken shit! He's the last person I would brag about being a
karate black belt. No one would believe it. I just wanted him to stick
up for me. Okay, okay. I understand your point. And you are correct.
But that's completely irrelevant to our purposes. His brain is wired
to respond to danger to himself. He may respond like a chicken shit.
He may respond like a hero. But to get him to respond at all, you
need to bring the danger around to something he can perceive and understand
- like potentially getting beat up by total strangers. This will wake
up his senses. You don't want him to spend the rest of his life
snoozing, now do you? You owe it to him!
Secondly, you
may be saying to yourself - well, what's wrong with him? Isn't he
supposed to respond to danger to his loved ones, not just himself?
Are you saying all men are irredeemably selfish - or just the man
I'm married to? The answer is neither. Men are supposed to respond
to danger to their loved ones as well as themselves - in fact, they
do this - which is why they suit up for war and travel many miles
from home to endure bad food, loud noises, and potential death. But
the danger they are most able to perceive is physical danger, not
social danger. Your mother-in-law could say something snotty to
you that would make you look bad in front of 20 people that are really
important to you - and explaining to your husband why that's not
a good thing could easily take 17 solid hours! You don't have
that much time! And yet that's how slowly their brains work in assessing
these sorts of things. They are slow on the uptake. This is not good
for you - but that's why we're teaching you how to work the system
by translating social dangers into something he can understand.
Thirdly, understand
that men are very often not all that enthusiastic about being dragged
into these kinds of things and forced to defend themselves and you,
particularly when all kinds of threats have been made on their behalf
that they aren't really physically equipped to carry out. In other
words, even though you are doing this for their benefit because you
care so very much about their health - often they don't appreciate
your incredibly loving gesture! So be prepared to deal with the
aftermath of your shenanigans by pouring on the flattery. Most of
the time, they will not be able to figure out exactly what you're
doing - which is good - but they may still be rather upset by the
whole causing a scene and claiming they will beat people up thing
- which is even better! It was pretty fucking upsetting to
you when you got dissed in the restaurant - it's only fair that you
share that!
Remember, as you
are rapidly leaving the restaurant, that if asked you will only say
things that indicate that you really do think he's as good
as a black belt. You admire him, you look up to him, he's your hero,
blah, blah, blah. Obviously, considering his recent lack of action,
this is a lie. But it's a lie that will work for both of you. His
already pumping heart will speed oxygen to his Flattery Receptor
Cells, which may pretend they aren't pleased, but really they
are. Even if he knows you've got to be lying.
This kind of
incident is good for his testosterone level - it really does increase
in response to challenges. If he's not challenged, his testosterone
level is going to get flabby. You want to perk it up occasionally
for your own mental and sexual health and his as well. If you play
your cards right, and cause your little scenes in close proximity
to your home so that you can scoot toward your bedroom to take advantage
of his activated hormones, you may go from feeling unloved, dejected,
and unromantic, to very loved, romantic, and in the mood to get some
glow on.
And there you
go - another marriage saved, courtesy of prettyfedup.com.
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