More quiz questions.
Remember to start going fast!
Fucked Up Dimension
No. 3: Duration. Answer this question to determine your Personal Fucked
Up Depression Duration. Give as many answers as apply.
#3: When you get miserably fucking depressed and down about your
life how long does it last at a time?
than an hour.
than a day.
c) A day
a week, more or less.
e) A couple
of weeks or so. Maybe shorter, maybe longer.
f) A few
g) A year
h) A long-ass
time. Seems like an eternity.
I think I am always miserably depressed to a certain degree.
Now, for your score.
a) through e)
You are processing the Fucked Up Shit in your life reasonably quickly.
Sometimes shorter, sometimes longer but you are processing it through.
This may or may not be to your advantage, but at least you are probably
glad you are not depressed for long stretches at a time, thank God.
Very good. Congratulations!
f) through i)
You have a lot of Fucked Up Shit to process and it is taking some
time or maybe not really getting processed at all. We want to do something
about that. It is reasonable and helpful to get periodically depressed,
however, it is really fucking oppressive to have to be that way for
a long, long time just to get through your life. Give yourself many
extra bonus sympathy points if you have to deal with this. Congratulations!
Now, go back and
answer the same question for Happiness. When you experience bouts
of Happiness or Joy or something similar, how long does it last? Answer
the first two questions for Happiness also, but no, don't go back
and look. Just try to get a rough Happiness/Unhappiness Ratio along
the three Dimensions. Is your Happiness more Intense than your Unhappiness
or Vice Versa. How about Frequency? You will need a pencil and paper
at this point or you will lose track of your score.
So write down
these scoring elements: Unhappiness Intensity Score. Happiness Intensity
Score. Unhappiness Frequency Score. Happiness Frequency Score. Unhappiness
Duration Score. Happiness Duration Score. Very good.
Fucked Up Dimension
No. 4: Location. Answer this question to determine your Personal Fucked
Up Life Locations. This question is structured differently so
you should have many answers. Remember to use pencil and paper!
#4: Divide your life into a bunch of locations or topics or elements
or what the fuck have you. Like this:
1) Me. 2) Money.
3) Family of Origin (e.g., brothers, sisters, parents, cousins, etc.
4) Current Living Situation (roommates, spouse and kids, living alone,
whatever. Include whether your live in a nice place or a dump or however
you feel about where you live. ) 5) Love Life, Spouse, Mate, or the
lack thereof. 6) Work 7) Kids. 8) Sex Life. 9) Health. 10) Success.
11) Friends and Social Life. 12) Religion or Spirituality.
Make up your own
categories, but limit it to about a dozen. You might want to throw
in an Artistic Outlet category if you are a creative type and nuke
one of the other ones. Or a Personal Fulfillment or a Life Purpose
one if you are interested in those things. A Doing Something Good
for the World category. General Feelings of Smartness, Competence,
Learning and so on. A Daily Irritations category. A Longings, Dreams,
Hopes and Wishes Category. A Big Ambitions category. A Recreational
Drugs category. A damn I wish I could get away from it all Category.
Or whatever the hell you want. Just choose about a dozen darn categories
because you if try to squeeze in too many you will be up all night
thinking of categories and not get any sleep. On the other hand, if
you have lots of time, go wild, and think up lots and lots of categories.
Do whatever the hell you want, it's not like I am policing this or
Now go through
and put an Unhappiness or Unfulfilled or Fucking Hate It or Generally
Distressed Number by each category. Think bold in this part. Put large
numbers by anything you hate just to impress yourself. Make your numbers
as large as you can stand.
If you have any
categories or locations that are the source of delirious happiness,
then put a happiness number by any that apply. Make the numbers as
big on this side too as you think you can get away with. Some of you
are superstitious and don't want to tempt God by putting large happiness
numbers anywhere - use your own judgment on that. You know your own
God better than I do.
Now you have a
map of your Personal Problems. With High Unhappiness Scores obviously
indicating Big Problems and High Happiness scores indicating Good
You should now
have a piece of paper with a bunch of meaningless numbers scrawled
all over it for no apparent reason. Good. Move on to question 5.
Fucked Up Dimension
No. 5: Publicity. Answer this question to determine whether your problems
are Pretty Fucked Up or All Fucked Up.
#5: Now take all your Personal Problems and decide which of them
you are hiding and which you are shamelessly flaunting. The ones
you are hiding are Pretty Fucked
Up and the ones you are flaunting are All Fucked Up.
For example, if your marriage is a Big Problem but you are bitching
and whining about it to everyone you know then your marriage
is All Fucked Up. If however, you are hiding the fact that you are
desperately fucking worried about your financial situation then your
financial situation is Pretty Fucked Up.
Things that are
Pretty Fucked Up paradoxically hurt much worse than things that are
All Fucked Up. So multiply anything in your life that is Pretty Fucked
Up by a Pretty Fucked Up Multiplier Factor. Like, let's say, 3. Don't
choose too high a number or you will get lost carrying the 1's and
trying to figure out where the decimal place goes.
Now, you have
a chance to score some super-duper extra-special bonus fucked up points.
Look closely at your locations and categories and see if you can find
any place where you are shamelessly flaunting one Personal Problem
so that you can hide another one. Like let's say you made a category
My Stupid Employees and you are endlessly whining about your bad employees.
But in reality, you are doing this to hide the much worse Personal
Problem of I Don't Fucking Know How to Run My Business, I'm Going
to Be Ruined and Die, Oh God Help Me! Or you gave a huge Unhappiness
Score to your parents and but you are secretly frightened that is
hiding a Big Problem in the I Am Unloveable and Everyone Hates Me
category. These super-hidden categories are the Really Fucked Up ones.
Draw big red X's through the Really Fucked Up categories because you
hate them so much. Then color in red all around your red X's until
you can't even see them anymore. That should make you feel a little
Happiness often hide the Really Fucked Up categories as well but you
are too tired to deal with that now, so just skip it.
time to total up your final score.
By now, you should
have a whole bunch of random numbers and some red X's. Add up all
these numbers to find your total score. Forget about the X's.
Your score is:
You are FUCKED UP! You scored very well in the Pretty Fucked Up categories
and were pretty damn impressive in the All Fucked Up categories as
You were a little
wobbly in the opening question, but you picked up steam as we went
along and you learned to loosen up and cheat a little better. By question
No. 4, you were really cooking and totally came into your own with
some unexpectedly striking red artwork in Question 5.
As Fucked Up People
go, you are definitely one of the best. Now that you know how to beat
the quiz, you can go back to the earlier questions and up your score
for each one. You rule!
Now, if you are
anxious for some personal attention, because you are just that sort
of person, you can go to the next page for an alarming Personality
Profile based on how you scored. Or...you can just go to bed, content
in the knowledge that at least you are good at something.