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The Not 100% Complete FAQs for the Pretty Fucked Up Person in a Pretty Fucked Up World

Alarming Personality Profile

Personal Angst
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What's an Interactive Quiz without a useless and misleading Personality Profile at the end? Look below for yours!


If you....

Gave yourself ridiculously low scores on the various Unhappiness scales and ridiculously inflated scores on the on the Happiness ones then you might be:

Naturally perky. This happens. Some of you are just inclined to run around all day feeling excessively cheerful and throwing smiley-faces around and generally making normal people sick. You don't recognize unhappiness and pain even when they try to come up and punch you in the nose. Generally, you don't recognize these things because you just feel like you are so goddamn wonderful and neat that it doesn't occur to you that anyone, much less unhappiness and pain, would ever want to punch you in the nose. If this is the case, you are a lucky sucker, but boy did you stumble onto the wrong website! Of course you are welcome to stay, but please don't disturb the natives. No unwarranted morning perkiness or gratituously cloying smiley-faces, please!

Genuinely Happy. This happens. Sometimes things are just going really great and there is almost nothing you can do about it, but wonder how it happened and be very very glad. A couple of tips if you'd like to extend your stay in Genuine Happiness Land.

Tip No. 1 - Pause occasionally to refresh your Happiness by taking a vigorous dip in Unhappiness. The human brain is naturally designed to perceive contrasts and it is the contrast with Unhappiness that gives Happiness its sparkly pretty pleasant glow. Also there are various parts of your Brain and Body designed specifically to detect and wage war against Unhappiness. If they don't have any Unhappiness to fight, they tend to get lazy and depressed and start trying to spend the whole day sleeping. When this happens, your Happiness centers don't have anybody to play with anymore and they get lonely and lose a lot of their pep. Taking a nice dip in Unhappiness refreshes all your parts and makes them feel all glowy and alive and new again. This is a super-secret special tip of the chronically happy.

Because this is a super-secret special tip, Happy people are not going to go around telling you about it and when they go on Barbara Walters, they will skip right over the Unhappiness parts and dwell on the Happy ones. This is clever on their part, but don't be fooled. Happy people engage in regular maintenance Unhappiness - they get upset, they cry, they get scared and disappointed and furious and lonely and depressed and they frequently think they are going to die when they get a bad cold (and they milk it for lots of excessive sympathy). They get petty and resentful and greedy and all the rest of it. They recognize these things, rush right out to greet them like old friends, throw themselves into the experience and are done with it.

It's the being done with it part of course that allows them to rush right out to greet their Happiness friends as well and to throw themselves into those experiences and milk them for sparkly fun satisfaction they can provide. In fact, they throw themselves into every experience life offers because they actually like being alive. This is unnatural and weird on the part of Happy people, but it does work. So if you are temporarily happy and you'd like to stretch the happiness thing a bit, just to see if you can, remember to treat yourself to an exhilarating rush of bad feeling whenever a decent opportunity arises. This is just the kind of special fucked up bonus tip you have come to rely on to provide, and aren't you glad you waded through a bunch of stuff that had nothing to do with you, just so you could stumble upon it. God, you're good.

Really Fucked Up. This happens. It happens when you get so scared and overwhelmed with all your unhappiness that you just can't fucking deal with it anymore and the only fucking thing you can think of to do to live through it, is to pretend it doesn't exist and act as if it's actually Happiness after all. This is not an idiotic strategy for dealing with the fact that life can suck really bad, but god it gets hard after awhile. Because while you are pretending it doesn't exist, your unhappiness and pain are getting bigger and bigger and bigger and squeezing out any space you might have left for actual Happiness which you would barely be able to recognize anyway because you are so busy calling Unhappiness happiness that you have completely confused yourself and don't know a goddamn thing about your life anymore. You have gone beyond Pretty Fucked Up in which you are just cleverly hiding unhappiness and pain from everyone else into Really Fucked Up where you are actually hiding it from yourself and can't find it anymore even while it is very vigorously biting your ass. And there you are foolishly getting your ass bit in full view of everyone else and you don't even know it. This is bad, but it happens. It's bad for you and everyone else around you, you big fat happiness-pretending liar, but it happens. However, be comforted in the knowledge that when your life eases up and you are not so scared to indulge in a little major Unhappiness, will be here for you, ready to cheer you on and help you milk that major Unhappiness for all it's worth. You lucky dog!


where's the rest of that goddamn alarming personality profile for the rest of us who didn't fucking pretend to be so goddamn happy....


A Faithful Boyfriend - is there such a thing?

Why do asshole guys get all the chicks?

Too shy to meet girls

Why won't the government let you smoke a joint?

A little ditty about assholes....

why are people so stupid??

if the ex keeps bugging you...

forming opinions for no good reason whatsoever

Your Brain


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