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Relationship Hell: Should I Stay or Should I Go Now....

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Should I dump my girlfriend?

Oh gosh. This is one of the most frequent of the frequently asked questions. It inevitably comes complete with Complicated Circumstances and Detailed Explanations. It gets asked about boyfriends and girlfriends and husbands and wives and gay lovers and sometimes even roommates and siblings and parents and...

It is so frequent that the webmistress sometimes gets discouraged just looking at her email and wishes everyone would just ask the question all at once so it wouldn't keep popping up. The webmistress has been avoiding this question for months. Until now!

Because now - suddenly and unexpectedly, the webmistress has decided to take pity on humanity and answer every single person in the entire world's Should I Stay Or Should I Go question with an incredibly detailed and insightful analysis of the Should I Get the Fuck out of This Relationship Dilemma that will personally apply to you!

This is an incredible deal and a one-time only offer found only at for your personal benefit. So let's get started.

But first, let's fill out an amazingly handy and super-fun Interactive Should I Get the Fuck out of this Relationship? Form! Please take a moment now to note your answers to the following fill-in-the-blank questions.

My _________________ (insert category of Other Person here. E.g., boyfriend, girlfriend, wife, husband, dog, fiancee, best friend, etc.)

__________________________________ (insert Terrible Thing here. Annoying habit, character defect, major flaw, egregious behavior, sudden change, etc. For example, is an alcoholic, has found Jesus, wants to spend every weekend with his family, has gotten fat and ugly, is pathologically jealous, criticizes me in front of other people, won't quit smoking, never wants to have sex, spends all her time at work, overdisciplines the kids, doesn't take care of him/herself, spends all our money, wants me to convert to Judaism, seems indifferent and uncaring, has a terrible temper, won't listen, has cheated on me more than once, never puts the toothpaste cap back on the tube, is into perverted sicko sex practices, etc., etc., etc., etc.)

He/She/It/They (circle one) says _______________________________ (insert Other Person's reason why Terrible Thing above is not so terrible. E.g., it's only sex with other people - it doesn't mean anything, it's my problem and I should lighten up, I don't understand the pressure he is under, she is just 'having fun', etc., etc., and even more etc.)

I/We/He/She/Our...(insert pronoun here) _____________________________ (insert reason for staying here. As in, we have two lovely kids, I really love her, we have really good times together, he has always been faithful and a good provider, she is wonderful half the time, we have been together a long time, we have worked hard to get where we are, I don't believe in divorce, we used to have a great relationship, the sex is still really good, etc., etc., etc.)

....but this problem is really driving me crazy. Should I stay and (try to work things out/hope things work out for the best - choose one) or should I just call it quits and get out of the relationship? ____________________ (sign here with your name or a snappy handle such as 'Uncertain in Northampton' or 'Cheated On and Wondering' and so on.)

Very good! You did such a great job filling out the form that you should really take a moment to congratulate yourself. Your misery fits into a form and is exactly like everyone else's - and that kind of lack of personal individuality is always comforting in this complicated modern world. And look how neatly your entire Complicated Situation and Detailed Explanation fell into handy paragraphs! You're an analytical genius to be able to organize your relationshp hell so cleanly and conveniently. No wonder you are drawn to a superior website like - you're just naturally a superior person!

However, now that we are done congratulating you, we have to point out that your entire chain of reasoning in explaining your relationship above is completely fucking useless. It's of no help whatsoever. It's the format you all use - and there are excellent excellent reasons why you want to explain your situation this way - but it does you absolutely no fucking good whatsoever.

What you are asking me to do - what you are always asking me to do - is to pass judgment on the particular Terrible Thing haunting your relationship and tell you objectively whether or not it's a worthy justification for ditching your significant other. Which I would be happy to do - except it won't make a fucking bit of difference to you. It's natural that you ask - you really do sincerely want to know if someone else's unwillingness to brush their teeth constitutes an Objective Justification for leaving them. But you won't believe me no matter what I tell you.

I could tell you that cheating is always wrong and you should always get out. I could tell you that unfaithfulness is not so fucking bad. I could tell you that your girlfriend has Major Issues and that you should ditch her. I could counsel understanding and patience. But it will not solve your problem.

Because your problem is not whether the other person's Terrible Thing is really a terrible thing - your problem is that you can't fucking figure out whether to stay or go! If I told you to go the part of you that wants to stay would start whining and moaning and coming up with justifications for staying and it would express the opinion to you that some idiot on a website is not sufficiently qualified to understand the beautiful and intricate complexities of your personal Relationship Hell.

If I told you to stay, the part of you that wants to go would start howling and screaming and sobbing 'but I don't want to be in this relationship....'. No matter what I told you, you would doubt me and you would doubt yourself. There's a decent chance you have been burdening friends and family members with this dilemma for quite some time and yet you are still chewing over it! And if you haven't been burdening them, you've been burdening yourself to the point of exhaustion with the same result. Your problem is not Terrible Thingness - it's indecision!

This is just pure logic. If you weren't suffering from indecision, you'd have made your goddamn decision and you wouldn't be bothering me, yourself, or anyone else with it. People leave other people all the time - once they make up their fucking minds to. People stay with other people all the time - once they make up their fucking minds to. The truth is you've got plenty of evidence that the thing you think is a Terrible Thing is a terrible thing. You've also got plenty of evidence that it isn't. Thus you are indecisive. You can't make up your goddamn mind. My opinion isn't going to sway you. Incredibly unfortunately - you are going to have to convince yourself instead of me. This is hard fucking work - as you are discovering right now. But convincing me won't do it - because I'm not going to dump your girlfriend for you - no matter how much I might enjoy it.

This is incredibly unfair and I certainly applaud you for your admirable attempt to get me to do your work for you. And I would be happy to do it if I could. I love making decisions for other people! Particularly people I don't know where I won't suffer any consequences if I screw it up! That's just good entertaining fun! But having watched you over the years ignore my advice on these matters countless times in person and over the internet, I have faced reality and realized I can't make up your mind for you.

All is not lost however! Because I can tell you how you can make up that pathetic tortured mind of yours. This is so fucking great! This is what you wanted all along! You just fucking wanted to know how to make up your goddamn mind whether or not you should dump that goddamn miserable person you are still somehow goddamn miserably attached to even if you don't want to be which part of you actually does which is why you can't fucking make up your mind in the first place!

Okay, now that we have delineated the problem, I want you to start over and put the question in its proper format. Like this:

I have a boyfriend/girlfiend/mistress/lover/whatever and I can't fucking make up my mind whether or not I should leave them. I keep going back and forth with myself on this issue. On the one hand I want to and on the other hand I really don't. Aaaaaarrrggghhhh! Fuck! Shit! I hate this! I hate this goddamn indecision! This sucks! Everything sucks! Fuck! Help me! Help me please! Damn it, help me now!!!

Very good. I honestly think you did better on this part even than filling in the form above. And I must say you have an incredible way with words. Such verve, such style. Such raw naked passion. You must be quite a catch. If you do leave, you are sure to be scooped up by a lucky successor in no time. And if you stay, your significant other is bound to be bowled over with admiration and appreciation once you get this problem worked out. This is very encouraging.

All right. So we're going to help you make up your mind. No matter who you are or what your circumstances. We are going to do this by delving deeply into the philosophical territory of mind making upness and relationships. In the process we will cover the esoteric topics of "The Relationship Emotional Pain Cycle" so familiar to many of us by experience and the even more exotic "I'm In A Relationship, Where the Fuck Did Reality Go?" topic that is currently bedeviling you.

We will dive deeply into these topics and swim around in them for hours at the complete expense of giving you any even vaguely useful advice as to what to do actually do. We will do this for a Very Important Reason. While you are swimming around in deep topics, you will be avoiding your actual serious relationship problems. This is important because dealing with your actual problems is hard and painful and not fun. Whereas, avoiding them is lots of fun! Okay, now that we are clear on that, settle back for a stress- and worry-free description of your current relationship and how it got all fucked up. This is going to be so great.



The Relationship Emotional Pain Cycle we all know and love so dearly.....




Now that you've decided to dump her - here's how to do it!

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