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The Not 100% Complete FAQs for the Pretty Fucked Up Person in a Pretty Fucked Up World

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Why are people such stupid fucking scum? People are like a plague on the earth, a virus, a parasite on this planet. I'm not kidding. Every last one of us. We all suck. We are stupid fucking hypocritical slimeball scum. We're genocidal fucking war killers, we destroy the environment, we kowtow to stupid greedy corporations and the stupid greedy politicians that enslave us, while we salivate and drool over the latest fucking marketing scam. We're territorial, materialistic, selfish, uncaring, conformistic moronic slobs who only think about fucking about brains out and don't give a damn for the other guy, the suffering, the poor, any of that. There could never be a just peaceful society with respect for all individuals, we are too unevolved for that. If the aliens ever come they should just wipe us out. It'd be better than the miserable pollution-choked endless decay with which we're all going to destroy ourselves anyway. Am I right or what? Why are people such miserable packs of shit anyway?

Wow, what a divinely bitter, over-the-top rant. Wow. Big words, complete sentences, big confused ideas, swearing, insults, categorizing adjectives. Deep philosophical questioning combined with incoherent sputtering rage and vague yet meaningful concepts. Good work. May I compliment your brain on its forthright engagement with one of the most difficult dilemmas of the human condition? Of course I may. And I just did.

Okay, down to brass tacks.

So what your brain is doing is engaging in human-bashing. An ever-popular sport, particularly among humans. If there is one thing on which people generally agree - underneath it all - it's that they don't like humans. There is an ever-present subterranean universal current of longing among all members of our species and that is to belong to a much better one. Sorely disappointing, the human race, and repeatedly so. There is a reason for this. And I will even tell you what it is.

But first let's talk about you. What is happening at the moment is that your Universal Human Longing for Goodness module is pitching a fit. It does that sometimes. And we need to deal with this before we get philosophical and solve all the problems of humanity at once.

The Universal Human Longing for Goodness module is ensconced firmly in your brain where it is nourished by neurons and neurotransmitters and chemicals and electrical currents and connections to other parts of you such as your emotions. It is currently active and the neurons and so on are popping like firecrackers in a complete frenzy of helpless confinement inside your brain. You are overloaded with transmitters that have nowhere to go. We need to give them somewhere to go. Therefore we need you to swear. Like this:


We need to detach your chemicals from their desire to glue themselves to ideas that will only upset them and get them to pop themselves peacefully into contentment right in their own backyard where they are currently besides themselves with rage that they are not somewhere else. This is the Bubblewrap Theory of Rage Enjoyment. Bubblewrap feels much better when you pop it. So do you. The same thing will happen with your currently enraged Human Goodness chemicals.

Please take a moment to swear now.

Very good. Now that your neurons have rid themselves of their excess uncomfortable transmitter, they are piped down and in a state of eager yet pleasant anticipation for the soothing stimulation of new information that is to come their way. And because we like your Human Goodness neurons very very much we are now going to indulge them with the special treat of a bedtime story of Their Origins and Where They Came From. Everyone likes bedtime stories of their Origins and Where They Came From! Your neurons are settling in for a cozy story even now.

So a long long time ago, back in the dim mists of evolutionary time, evolution was designing human beings. Just like you! And being the very very clever mechanism for generating and propagating life on planet earth that it was, evolution realized that in order to survive human beings needed some mechanism that would allow them to get along with each other.

You see - evolution realized that human beings don't survive and propagate very well in clumps of one. It takes two to reproduce and even more to run a decent dairy farm. And without dairy farms where will little chidren too old to breastfeed get milk with its nourishing calcium to help them build strong bones 12 ways? And so on. Even a relatively simple endeavor like foraging for food becomes more complex when you take into account the human need to devote time, energy, effort, resources, and calories to caring for helpless infants. Really successful foraging requires cooperation between more than one human. You may be able to forage for food in your refrigerator more or less successfully solo but all the effort that went into getting that food there required the talents of many humans, some of which were devoted solely to figuring out ways to package it that defy all normal efforts to get it out. Witness child protection caps on aspirin. Making aspirin bottles that you can't open requires the cooperation of multitudes, people!

And so it goes. And so evolution, being the wise entity it was, realized that humans needed some mechanism that would allow, even force, them into cooperating with each other so that they could survive the harsh elements and even each other. And that's where you come into play, you precious little Human Goodness modules you. You were born, or cooked up, right in that evolutionary cauldron so that you could help human beings, a group you secretly love, to survive and grow strong and help each other continue existence on an otherwise sometimes forbidding and lonely planet. This makes you very happy because you like to be helpful - which is convenient because that is what you were designed to be.

Now, the little evolutionary Universal Longing for Human Goodness module was designed to grow up through time and become very very very very strong! And this is a good thing because you Goodness Modules are going to have to do battle with a very Fiercesome Enemy! No good bedtime story is complete without a very Fiercesome Enemy. Fortunately, you have one.

You see, when evolution was looking at how to help human beings survive, which is what it does with every species, successfully or not, it realized that the Universal Longing for Human Goodness was designed to help humans survive in groups. Or more accurately, to help groups of humans survive. It was not designed to look out for the interests of each individual within that group. What a disaster! evolution said to itself. No species can survive without a mechanism inside itself that will allow each individual to struggle for its own survival even if the group goes kaput or turns against it. It must have a very strong mechanism to look out for its own interests, regardless of the interests of others. My, my, said evolution, we must design and implant just such a mechanism inside every human individual. And so it did. Some people call that mechanism Selfishness. You can call it whatever you like! It exists!

Now, evolution said to itself, the plan is this: The Human Goodness Module and the Selfishness Mechanism will fight it out on everything from the most trivial of matters to the grandest of all epic scales in human history, day in and day out, henceforth and forevermore. And thus we will achieve a balance that will allow the human species to survive and possibly even grow, in good times and bad, throughout a wide variety of conditions, through Goodness and Selfishness, for better and worse, in sickness and health and so on and so forth. We will have our bases covered. If the individual doesn't survive, the Goodness Module will fight to ensure the group does, and if the group goes belly up the Selfishness Mechanism will kick in and help the individual get through it.

And thus the titanic, everlasting, and frequently mundane Struggle between Good and Evil was hatched up under the banal pressure of simple physical survival.

By now, you have deduced the answer to your question. Human beings are scum bags due to the presence of the Selfishness Mechanism which your Universal Longing for Human Goodness Module completely fucking hates and just moments ago (before it got calmed down and cozy) was ranting and railing against. It is destined to do battle with the Selfishness Mechanism more or less throughout eternity and that is exactly what it wants to do.

But that doesn't really completely answer your question or soothe your Goodness Neurons. There is so much more the Goodness Module wants to know about itself! It wants to hear its whole mythic story because it is on a quest and uncertain where to turn or how to proceed against the mighty obstacles it faces. It is looking for guidance and comfort and advice and to know how and where it belongs in the scheme of things. Sometimes it feels very weak and discouraged and does not know how to capitalize on its own strength.

Because you knew, after all, didn't you, that people are selfish? You figured that out, did you not? And yet you couldn't accept it. It didn't seem fair. It didn't seem right. You wanted to know why. You wanted to piss and moan and rail against something so obvious it hardly needs stating. And yet you needed to state it. Why is that? You couldn't find a balance between the warring parts of yourself or even come to terms with their very existence. And still you struggled. Still you warred on, and swore, and fought, and screamed against things you secretly believed you couldn't do a damn thing about. What's up with your fucking Goodness Module and the Selfishness Mechanism it hates so badly? What the fuck is up with these dudes? What is their problem? Can't they just get along? Must they really war with each other ceaselessly in such an exhausting and discouraging manner?

Or even more concisely, what exactly are you personally going to do about your Longing for Human Goodness? Are you going to let it drive you to endless ranting despair and unceasing bitterness against all humanity, including yourself?

No, you are not. Well, actually occasionally you are, but right now, you are going to let it listen to the rest of the bedtime story about itself, so that it can get to know itself better and figure out how to work with itself so it doesn't get its neurons tied in a knot every other Tuesday.

You are going to.....

Shake Hands with Mr. Universal Human Longing for Goodness Module!


Shake Hands with Mr. Universal Human Longing for Goodness Module!


Special Vocabulary Words:

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