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So what the hell is going on with these people who leave their fucking cell phones on during a movie that I have paid good money to watch? It's a quiet, tense moment in the movie and all of a sudden some jerk's phone goes off playing the fucking theme from Mission: Impossible or some such crap. WHAT IS WITH THAT?! What idiot doesn't know to turn off their goddamn fucking cell phone! Really....

Good question. And nicely fed up as well. Very good rant.

Now the answer to what kind of idiot leaves their cell phone on during a movie, as you may already know but have forgotten during your sudden burst of justified irateness, is that there are three kinds of idiots.

Idiot #1: The Forgetful Idiot.

Idiot #2: The Insecure Idiot.


Idiot #3: The Stupid Idiot. (Always a popular favorite.)

So that was simple. Now, however, you naturally want to know how to maximize your fun with the experience of Cell Phone Idiots. And we will not let you down here at, we will think up some Crackpot Cell Phone Theories to explain and enhance your personal interactions with Cell Phone Idiocy.

Let's start with Forgetful Idiots. Forgetful Cell Phone Idiocy arises when people are busy and distracted and well...forgetful. It is basically the sort of idiocy that could happen to anyone as your brain has absolutely no intention whatsoever of remembering all the stupid shit you stuff into it and try to make it remember to do. It thinks your life is an overloaded mess and it periodically communicates this opinion to you by nonchalantly jettisoning stuff you might have thought was important, such as remembering to pay your bills and turning your cell phone on and off. It would much rather sing the theme song to The Brady Bunch with you and look at girls' legs. At the movies, it is thinking about the high cost of popcorn and so on, and often it could really give a fuck about your cell phone. This is no excuse however and this annoying nonchalance on its part about cell phones can be corrected as we shall see.

Special Note regarding Forgetful Cell Phone Idiocy. This form of brain glitch frequently happens to older people who are busy and distracted by the fact that they are old, who didn't grow up with cell phones and who find themselves whenever it rings very often surprised to discover they have a cell phone at all! If this happens to you, you can cure this embarrassing social faux pas by repeating this phrase to yourself over and over until it begins to make sense to you: "I have a cell phone. I have a cell phone. I have a cell phone." More deeply embed the learning by practicing turning it on and turning it off. Explore the possibilities of this wondrous machine by imagining yourself turning it on when you want to receive or make calls and turning it off when you enter a movie theater. You'll get the hang of it in no time!

But of course, forgetfulness never happens to You personally and you aren't the idiot whose goddamn phone went off in the middle of the movie. So what should you do about the fact that you are just naturally inherently superior and yet Forgetful Idiots are allowed into the same movies as you?

First, you are going to want to cause pain in the Forgetful Idiot. Perfectly natural and sensible desire on your part as you cleverly and intuitively guess that pain will serve as a reminder to the Forgetful Idiot to turn off their goddamn phone. What you want them to experience is a sensation that makes them say to themselves...."My phone went off during a movie. What a hideously painful and embarrassing experience. I'm certainly going to remember never to do that again. That was horrible! From now on, my cell phone stays off during movies."

And yet, many desirable ways you could cause pain in a Forgetful Idiot, such as compressing their lips together with burning hot tongs, prove to be inconvenient and impractical in a movie and could well cause you to end up wasting your precious time explaining things to Authorities and so on. Plus, the tongs and heating equipment are heavy to carry around. Therefore, you need a handy and portable method of causing pain, one that can be whipped out at a moment's notice, rapidly applied and then discarded.

And so, just for you, we have instead the Very Mean Glare. Glaring is fun! It's particularly fun in a dark movie theater where nobody can see you doing it and get all pissed off at you for glaring at them. Take full advantage of this darkness opportunity! Here's how it works, step by step:

Step 1: Hear cell phone during movie. Step 2: Get annoyed. Step 3: Say to yourself 'Now that's some Fucked Up Shit!' (don't forget this step!) Step 4: Identify offender. Step 5: Fix Very Mean Glare at the back of their head for a full 30 seconds. Don't think anything while you are doing this, just indulge in an undiluted Glare. If you don't know how to glare, trying narrowing your eyes, bringing your eyebrows down somewhat from their normal position, tightening your jaw and craning your head slightly forward. For an Advanced Very Mean Glare, also fold your arms over your chest. Hold for 30 seconds. Very good!

Now this Very Mean Glaring business has many benefits for both You and Society. First of all, it causes a burning sensation in the back of the victim's head or perhaps their shoulders or back, depending on your aim. This is exactly the kind of pain people need to experience in order to remember to turn their cell phones off. An entire movie theater full of Glaring People can be a highly effective cell phone deterrent. If the person slinks down or attempts to leave their seat, you know your glaring is successful. Feel free to glare at them as they leave, particularly if they can't really see you because it's still dark. Sometimes your glaring will not seem successful because the person will actually try to hold a conversation during the movie. If this happens, up the wattage on your Glare until it is a Super-Duper Very Mean Glare and hold it for as long as you can stand. All the other movie patrons will feel so grateful to you for your efforts on their behalf. Go ahead, be a hero!

Special Procedural Notes for Very Mean Glaring: Sometimes it is inconvenient to Glare at the actual offender because they are behind you and you have to twist all the way around in a noticeable fashion which sometimes you might not want to for fear it will be noticeable and everybody will see you Glaring. Sometimes you don't care about this and sometimes you do. Either way, don't skip the Glaring. If it's inconvenient to Glare at the actual offender, simply Glare very firmly at the actual movie screen. Strange as it seems, this is helpful and you will still be doing your part. Remember to fold your arms and be very firm!

Or occasionally, you might encounter the Very Mean Glaring Nervous Moment. For example, sometimes you will be Glaring away at an offender when you notice they are very large and they have turned around and started looking at you in a threatening and very large person manner. If this happens, simply abandon all thoughts of Glaring in favor of feeling somewhat nervous, averting your eyes quickly and pretending to watch the movie. Someone may have been Glaring at the Very Large Offender but it certainly wasn't you!

Sudden Bonus Question!

Should I take glaring one step further and actually stand up and cause a scene or say something loudly and cause a scene? Should I?

No. Glaring is more subtle, less stressful on the other patrons, and strangely just as effective if not more so. However, some of you have turned Causing a Scene into your life's work and if that's the case, you might as well go ahead and do it because nobody is going to be able to stop you. God knows your husband or wife has tried.

Very good. Now, if you do it properly, Glaring is also good for You as well, providing many benefits to your brain and overall well-being. However, in order to explain why, we are going to have to get into a little Crackpot Theorizing. If you are not in the mood for a Crackpot Theory about your brain then use the links to skip ahead to Insecure Idiots and your favorite, Stupid Idiots.


Glaring is good for you!...


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