Okay, so....
To
enhance glaring's natural life-affirming properties, follow this simple
procedure upon conclusion of the Glare: Say to yourself very firmly
'I didn't like that! What I really like is an uninterrupted
movie! Yes, I really enjoy uninterrupted movies and I don't like
cell phones going off during them. My mind is very clearly made up
about that, I do not like it when cell phones go off during
a movie. There, now that's settled.' And then get comfy in your seat
again to watch the rest of the movie.
Your
brain will just fucking love you so much if you take the time to do
that, it will be hard to restrain its ecstatic orgasmic appreciation
of you. And there is a reason for this. And here is where we come
to the special bonus Crackpot Theory.
You
see, your brain, your body, & your central nervous system, are
constantly overwhelmed by an ongoing series of sensations and
experiences they want to form opinions about so that they can know
what you want them to do about these things in the future. But so
much happens in your life that you frequently get behind in Forming
Opinions. And when you get behind in Forming Opinions about all the
shit in your life, your brain and body feel kind of overwhelmed and
stressed as though they are standing in the middle of a very messy
room and don't know where to start cleaning up first or if it's even
worth it.
And
they begin to think it's not worth it, so they begin Resigning
Themselves to the Crap in Your Life and explaining to anyone who'll
listen, 'It's no use. His life always looks like this. It's a mess.
Nothing I can do about it. Lord knows I've tried. The shit just piles
up so fast, there's no way I could ever make a dent in it.' Now of
course, they are lying a little bit about this, because when you are
asleep and not bothering them with experiences, they do try to clean
up. And thank god they do, or you would be even more dysfunctional
and stressed than you already are.
But
the point is, when you take the trouble to Form an Opinion
about something disturbing like cell phones, that's once less thing
they have to do later or while you are asleep. They are so proud of
you when you Form an Opinion, it's like you are six years old and
you actually cleaned your room and they are so excited because you're
growing up and becoming a responsible man or woman. He's growing up!
they say excitedly to each other. And they look at you with new respect
as the kind of manly, competent grown-up who can Make Up Their Own
Mind and Take Charge Of Their Life. And they are so happy about this
because they are really tired of taking charge of your life and they
wish you would do it sometimes and let them get back to just processing
experiences. They look to you for guidance, and feel so reassured
when you give it to them. They feel all comfy and cozy and are now
very excited about watching the rest of the movie with you. Even if
it's scary!
If
you don't do this.....all kinds of terrible things will happen
in your brain. Your brain will start saying to itself, I think I am
really annoyed by the cell phone but I wonder am I allowed to be really
annoyed? Is it socially appropriate? I think I am allowed to be really
annoyed, but maybe my Mean Glare was too mean. Now I feel foolish.
I got all upset about the cell phone and someone probably saw me glaring.
God what's wrong with me? Why can't I just relax? Wait a minute, what
am I fucking thinking? It wasn't my fault the goddamn cell
phone went off! Why am I blaming myself? I should blame the other
motherfucker. Idiot! God I hate people like that for putting me through
this kind of inner conflict. I just hate them! I wish they would all
die! Really I do. I am so fucking upset and there is nothing I can
do about it. I'll never get over this. Never. The entire movie is
ruined for me. I am so helpless and ineffectual and weak. You would
think...you would think I am a good person and entitled to see a movie
every once in a while, but Noooooo.... not me. Everywhere I
go someone has to victimize me and prevent me from enjoying even the
simplest of pleasures. My entire life is an unending stream of petty
oppression by the uncaring and thoughtless, whilst I suffer under
the terrible burden of being a good person -- completely unable and
not allowed to stab the stupid motherfucker with a cell phone in the
neck, even though they deserve it. But no....good people like me,
we don't stab people in the neck. We never have any fun. No, we
suffer and labor under the unending crushing burden of Other People's
Stupidity, an endless round of frustration and petty annoyance. I
might as well resign myself to it right now, because there's certainly
nothing I can do about it. God...." And so on.
And all because
you didn't wrap things up by Stating an Opinion. And
since you didn't Form an Opinion, except the opinion that your
life's a drag and this kind of thing always happens to you (an
opinion you are known to frequently generate, just because hell....it's
easy!), your brain still has work to do to clean up this experience.
So now it's going to have to try to sneak in some clean up time by
making you say to your companion after the movie "Did you hear
that idiot's cell phone go off during the movie! Can you believe it!
Some people are so inconsiderate...." and so on until you have
finally finished generating an opinion. Nothing wrong with that...although
sometimes it makes you look a little foolish since everybody knows
cell phones are annoying, it seems a little weird that you are just
now getting around to generating an opinion on it. (Which is how it
subliminally seems to people if you go on and on about something...they
are thinking to themselves, 'why can't this guy just get over
it!') But why go to all that trouble of Forming an Opinion in front
of Other People Who Are Not Interested, when you can Form an Opinion
so quickly and easily all by yourself without any help. Then
it will always be available to you to wittily share with others as
an entertaining rant, to keep to yourself, to post on the Internet
or to guide you toward more cell phone free experiences and away from
more cell phone pain-intensive experiences.
Your brain
didn't really want to indulge in all that philosophical crap about
whether you are a good person or how your life is constantly going
downhill. It doesn't care about that shit. That kind of stuff just
depresses it. It didn't even really care all that much whether the
people with cell phones are Stupid Idiots and Deserve to Be Shot or
what have you. That sort of judgment is just window dressing for when
you want to generate Gratuitous Hostility or Categorical Justifications
for Hating People just to keep your emotional state razzed up and
on high burn. All it really wanted to know was Good or Bad. Do you
like it or not? It takes its cue from you. If you tell it - Don't
Like! it believes you and trusts your judgment. And it will feel,
with the Glaring, that you are doing something about it. It knows
it probably can't really do anything about the fact that Stupid Idiots
or Forgetful Idiots exist. That's just a fact, trying to change it
is an Ambitious Goal and it just wants to watch a movie.
But it can
decide that you are a very worthy person who doesn't like cell phone
interruptions. One who will never resign yourself to oppression, who
will forever, in the face of all odds, firmly and steadfastly hold
to your belief that you do not like cell phone movie interruptions
and who will never ever cave in on this belief and decide they are
okay, who will always stand up for what is true and right and good,
who will provide sympathy and comfort and aid to others who are victimized,
who will firmly and vigorously yet heroically quietly just like Gregory
Peck in To Kill a Mockingbird oppose movie cell phone interruptions
by Glaring, who will lead the march in a modest and unassuming
yet dazzlingly effective and impressive way toward a better world
- a world in which no one ever is annoyed and bothered and distracted
by some Stupid Idiot's cell phone. It's inspiring!
And you the calm
yet determined hero is a long way from you the sighing, frustrated
and ineffectual guy who hates cell phones going off in movies but
who is all embarrassed by that because he hasn't really Formed an
Opinion.
And the beauty
part is that once you have Formed an Opinion, Your Heroic Work is
Done Here. And you relax and enjoy the rest of the movie guilt-free.
You don't have to worry if you should have done more or done less.
Your responsibility comes in a perfectly handy exactly You-sized bundle,
doesn't include anyone else. Not responsible for the fact that Other
People are Forgetful Idiots, or Some Patrons Are Inconvenienced
or How Upset Am I Allowed to Appear to Be? Just Form an Opinion. Good
or bad. Like or don't like. And then slough off for the rest of
the afternoon!
And just because
you asked, here are some Special Bonus Tips on the Advantages of
Rapidly Formed Like/Don't Like Opinions:
Like and Don't
Like Opinions are of a small file size so you don't have to worry
about long download times! This is in contrast to more Complicated
Opinions (which you will certainly want to form sometimes because
they are interesting) as to the Relative Worth of Cell Phone Goer-Offers
versus Polite People from Your Hometown or the merits and philosophy
of cell phone ownership at all or The Proper Way to Attend a Movie
and so on. These kinds of Complicated Opinions require lots of CPU
time, are high bandwidth and take forever to download. You're a
busy guy on the go! At the movies for Chrissake. You need a handy
little quick loading Like/Don't Like executable.
Of course, you
are certainly welcome to form lots of Complicated Opinions in your
spare time. God knows, this entire website is desperately in love
with your varying Complicated Opinions. Just don't forget to take
advantage of Uncomplicated Opinions every once in a while too!
Like/Don't
Like Opinions are easy to form! You can do it without consulting
anyone, not even your Social Brain. They are private and particular
to you. All you have to do is experience something and note quickly
whether it sucks or is fun! Your Like/Don't Like Opinions don't have
to conform to anyone else's taste but your own. So you can whip them
out rapidly and with glee. For example, suppose everyone in your social
circle suddenly decides they like orange sherbet which they now insist
on calling Sorbet because it costs more that way. And having decided
they like it, they are now trying to foist it off on you as some sort
of a healthful low-calorie dessert. So you try it and you think to
yourself...'What the fuck? This doesn't taste like dessert! Where's
the goddamn pecan pie? I don't like this.'
Now that you have
decided you don't like this no matter what anyone says, you
can be polite if you'd like, or rude, or whatever according to your
preference. You can express your preference or hide it. You can
even change your mind later. But you don't have to worry because
no matter what anybody says, you don't like orange sherbet and
nobody can make you like it.
And this will
take a big load off your brain's mind because whenever you don't firmly
state an opinion, your brain looks at you suspiciously and thinks
you are going to end up going along with everyone else's opinion,
mistakenly thinking you don't mind orange sherbet and subjecting
it and you and your poor taste buds to excessive quantities of it
- because you're not bright enough to figure out you don't like it
and avoid the shit. It is rooting for you to Form an Opinion, so it
doesn't have to put up with the miserable messy consequences of you
not having one.
Some people avoid
Forming Opinions for just this very reason - they are afraid their
opinions will not be like everyone else's and it will turn out they
can't stand Low-Calorie Sorbet and really want Fattening Chocolate
Cheesecake. And then they will be all unpopular and fat and out
of step with their snooty sorbet guzzling peers. Natural fear. But
no worries - you can always hide your opinions. It will still
make you feel better and more special to have them! And then when
everybody changes their mind about Sorbet and starts oohing and aahing
over Chocolate Cheesecake, you can secretly gloat because you were
right all along! Good for you!
Like/Don't
Like Opinions are Useful! Your brain takes them as operating instructions
and it is very grateful actually to finally get some goddamn clear
guidance from You, you conflicted tortured soul You. If you Like something,
your brain tries to get more of it for you. While you are idly reading
the newspaper or tapping your feet or what have you, it is busy processing
information and getting decisions ready to be implemented and now
that it knows what your preferences are, it is taking them into account.
It is lining up your decisions with your preferences, a very handy
little device for getting what you want out of life that is very easy
to overlook. Especially with all that goddamn social input about sorbet
and what-not coming your way. Once it knows your preferences, your
brain steers you away from stuff you don't like, thereby minimizing
your pain and discomfort, and points you in the direction of stuff
you do like.
Which is why you
spend almost of all of your free time on the couch watching TV and
eating chocolate cheesecake. Because these are the only two things
your brain can figure out that you like. Give your brain a break -
let it know how you feel about other things too!
This all gets
very interesting and exciting and dangerous and exhilarating when
you combine Like/Don't Like with Complicated Opinions or Opinions
on Complicated Subjects, but that's got absolutely nothing to do with
cell phones and Idiots so I'm not sure why you brought it up.
Back to Idiots!
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