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Opinions are good for you....and loads of fun as well!

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Unnumbered Crackpot Theory #32: Glaring can be good for you as part of a healthy diet of Forming Opinions.....

Okay, so....

To enhance glaring's natural life-affirming properties, follow this simple procedure upon conclusion of the Glare: Say to yourself very firmly 'I didn't like that! What I really like is an uninterrupted movie! Yes, I really enjoy uninterrupted movies and I don't like cell phones going off during them. My mind is very clearly made up about that, I do not like it when cell phones go off during a movie. There, now that's settled.' And then get comfy in your seat again to watch the rest of the movie.

Your brain will just fucking love you so much if you take the time to do that, it will be hard to restrain its ecstatic orgasmic appreciation of you. And there is a reason for this. And here is where we come to the special bonus Crackpot Theory.

You see, your brain, your body, & your central nervous system, are constantly overwhelmed by an ongoing series of sensations and experiences they want to form opinions about so that they can know what you want them to do about these things in the future. But so much happens in your life that you frequently get behind in Forming Opinions. And when you get behind in Forming Opinions about all the shit in your life, your brain and body feel kind of overwhelmed and stressed as though they are standing in the middle of a very messy room and don't know where to start cleaning up first or if it's even worth it.

And they begin to think it's not worth it, so they begin Resigning Themselves to the Crap in Your Life and explaining to anyone who'll listen, 'It's no use. His life always looks like this. It's a mess. Nothing I can do about it. Lord knows I've tried. The shit just piles up so fast, there's no way I could ever make a dent in it.' Now of course, they are lying a little bit about this, because when you are asleep and not bothering them with experiences, they do try to clean up. And thank god they do, or you would be even more dysfunctional and stressed than you already are.

But the point is, when you take the trouble to Form an Opinion about something disturbing like cell phones, that's once less thing they have to do later or while you are asleep. They are so proud of you when you Form an Opinion, it's like you are six years old and you actually cleaned your room and they are so excited because you're growing up and becoming a responsible man or woman. He's growing up! they say excitedly to each other. And they look at you with new respect as the kind of manly, competent grown-up who can Make Up Their Own Mind and Take Charge Of Their Life. And they are so happy about this because they are really tired of taking charge of your life and they wish you would do it sometimes and let them get back to just processing experiences. They look to you for guidance, and feel so reassured when you give it to them. They feel all comfy and cozy and are now very excited about watching the rest of the movie with you. Even if it's scary!

If you don't do this.....all kinds of terrible things will happen in your brain. Your brain will start saying to itself, I think I am really annoyed by the cell phone but I wonder am I allowed to be really annoyed? Is it socially appropriate? I think I am allowed to be really annoyed, but maybe my Mean Glare was too mean. Now I feel foolish. I got all upset about the cell phone and someone probably saw me glaring. God what's wrong with me? Why can't I just relax? Wait a minute, what am I fucking thinking? It wasn't my fault the goddamn cell phone went off! Why am I blaming myself? I should blame the other motherfucker. Idiot! God I hate people like that for putting me through this kind of inner conflict. I just hate them! I wish they would all die! Really I do. I am so fucking upset and there is nothing I can do about it. I'll never get over this. Never. The entire movie is ruined for me. I am so helpless and ineffectual and weak. You would would think I am a good person and entitled to see a movie every once in a while, but Noooooo.... not me. Everywhere I go someone has to victimize me and prevent me from enjoying even the simplest of pleasures. My entire life is an unending stream of petty oppression by the uncaring and thoughtless, whilst I suffer under the terrible burden of being a good person -- completely unable and not allowed to stab the stupid motherfucker with a cell phone in the neck, even though they deserve it. But no....good people like me, we don't stab people in the neck. We never have any fun. No, we suffer and labor under the unending crushing burden of Other People's Stupidity, an endless round of frustration and petty annoyance. I might as well resign myself to it right now, because there's certainly nothing I can do about it. God...." And so on.

And all because you didn't wrap things up by Stating an Opinion. And since you didn't Form an Opinion, except the opinion that your life's a drag and this kind of thing always happens to you (an opinion you are known to frequently generate, just because's easy!), your brain still has work to do to clean up this experience. So now it's going to have to try to sneak in some clean up time by making you say to your companion after the movie "Did you hear that idiot's cell phone go off during the movie! Can you believe it! Some people are so inconsiderate...." and so on until you have finally finished generating an opinion. Nothing wrong with that...although sometimes it makes you look a little foolish since everybody knows cell phones are annoying, it seems a little weird that you are just now getting around to generating an opinion on it. (Which is how it subliminally seems to people if you go on and on about something...they are thinking to themselves, 'why can't this guy just get over it!') But why go to all that trouble of Forming an Opinion in front of Other People Who Are Not Interested, when you can Form an Opinion so quickly and easily all by yourself without any help. Then it will always be available to you to wittily share with others as an entertaining rant, to keep to yourself, to post on the Internet or to guide you toward more cell phone free experiences and away from more cell phone pain-intensive experiences.

Your brain didn't really want to indulge in all that philosophical crap about whether you are a good person or how your life is constantly going downhill. It doesn't care about that shit. That kind of stuff just depresses it. It didn't even really care all that much whether the people with cell phones are Stupid Idiots and Deserve to Be Shot or what have you. That sort of judgment is just window dressing for when you want to generate Gratuitous Hostility or Categorical Justifications for Hating People just to keep your emotional state razzed up and on high burn. All it really wanted to know was Good or Bad. Do you like it or not? It takes its cue from you. If you tell it - Don't Like! it believes you and trusts your judgment. And it will feel, with the Glaring, that you are doing something about it. It knows it probably can't really do anything about the fact that Stupid Idiots or Forgetful Idiots exist. That's just a fact, trying to change it is an Ambitious Goal and it just wants to watch a movie.

But it can decide that you are a very worthy person who doesn't like cell phone interruptions. One who will never resign yourself to oppression, who will forever, in the face of all odds, firmly and steadfastly hold to your belief that you do not like cell phone movie interruptions and who will never ever cave in on this belief and decide they are okay, who will always stand up for what is true and right and good, who will provide sympathy and comfort and aid to others who are victimized, who will firmly and vigorously yet heroically quietly just like Gregory Peck in To Kill a Mockingbird oppose movie cell phone interruptions by Glaring, who will lead the march in a modest and unassuming yet dazzlingly effective and impressive way toward a better world - a world in which no one ever is annoyed and bothered and distracted by some Stupid Idiot's cell phone. It's inspiring!

And you the calm yet determined hero is a long way from you the sighing, frustrated and ineffectual guy who hates cell phones going off in movies but who is all embarrassed by that because he hasn't really Formed an Opinion.

And the beauty part is that once you have Formed an Opinion, Your Heroic Work is Done Here. And you relax and enjoy the rest of the movie guilt-free. You don't have to worry if you should have done more or done less. Your responsibility comes in a perfectly handy exactly You-sized bundle, doesn't include anyone else. Not responsible for the fact that Other People are Forgetful Idiots, or Some Patrons Are Inconvenienced or How Upset Am I Allowed to Appear to Be? Just Form an Opinion. Good or bad. Like or don't like. And then slough off for the rest of the afternoon!

And just because you asked, here are some Special Bonus Tips on the Advantages of Rapidly Formed Like/Don't Like Opinions:

Like and Don't Like Opinions are of a small file size so you don't have to worry about long download times! This is in contrast to more Complicated Opinions (which you will certainly want to form sometimes because they are interesting) as to the Relative Worth of Cell Phone Goer-Offers versus Polite People from Your Hometown or the merits and philosophy of cell phone ownership at all or The Proper Way to Attend a Movie and so on. These kinds of Complicated Opinions require lots of CPU time, are high bandwidth and take forever to download. You're a busy guy on the go! At the movies for Chrissake. You need a handy little quick loading Like/Don't Like executable.

Of course, you are certainly welcome to form lots of Complicated Opinions in your spare time. God knows, this entire website is desperately in love with your varying Complicated Opinions. Just don't forget to take advantage of Uncomplicated Opinions every once in a while too!

Like/Don't Like Opinions are easy to form! You can do it without consulting anyone, not even your Social Brain. They are private and particular to you. All you have to do is experience something and note quickly whether it sucks or is fun! Your Like/Don't Like Opinions don't have to conform to anyone else's taste but your own. So you can whip them out rapidly and with glee. For example, suppose everyone in your social circle suddenly decides they like orange sherbet which they now insist on calling Sorbet because it costs more that way. And having decided they like it, they are now trying to foist it off on you as some sort of a healthful low-calorie dessert. So you try it and you think to yourself...'What the fuck? This doesn't taste like dessert! Where's the goddamn pecan pie? I don't like this.'

Now that you have decided you don't like this no matter what anyone says, you can be polite if you'd like, or rude, or whatever according to your preference. You can express your preference or hide it. You can even change your mind later. But you don't have to worry because no matter what anybody says, you don't like orange sherbet and nobody can make you like it.

And this will take a big load off your brain's mind because whenever you don't firmly state an opinion, your brain looks at you suspiciously and thinks you are going to end up going along with everyone else's opinion, mistakenly thinking you don't mind orange sherbet and subjecting it and you and your poor taste buds to excessive quantities of it - because you're not bright enough to figure out you don't like it and avoid the shit. It is rooting for you to Form an Opinion, so it doesn't have to put up with the miserable messy consequences of you not having one.

Some people avoid Forming Opinions for just this very reason - they are afraid their opinions will not be like everyone else's and it will turn out they can't stand Low-Calorie Sorbet and really want Fattening Chocolate Cheesecake. And then they will be all unpopular and fat and out of step with their snooty sorbet guzzling peers. Natural fear. But no worries - you can always hide your opinions. It will still make you feel better and more special to have them! And then when everybody changes their mind about Sorbet and starts oohing and aahing over Chocolate Cheesecake, you can secretly gloat because you were right all along! Good for you!

Like/Don't Like Opinions are Useful! Your brain takes them as operating instructions and it is very grateful actually to finally get some goddamn clear guidance from You, you conflicted tortured soul You. If you Like something, your brain tries to get more of it for you. While you are idly reading the newspaper or tapping your feet or what have you, it is busy processing information and getting decisions ready to be implemented and now that it knows what your preferences are, it is taking them into account. It is lining up your decisions with your preferences, a very handy little device for getting what you want out of life that is very easy to overlook. Especially with all that goddamn social input about sorbet and what-not coming your way. Once it knows your preferences, your brain steers you away from stuff you don't like, thereby minimizing your pain and discomfort, and points you in the direction of stuff you do like.

Which is why you spend almost of all of your free time on the couch watching TV and eating chocolate cheesecake. Because these are the only two things your brain can figure out that you like. Give your brain a break - let it know how you feel about other things too!

This all gets very interesting and exciting and dangerous and exhilarating when you combine Like/Don't Like with Complicated Opinions or Opinions on Complicated Subjects, but that's got absolutely nothing to do with cell phones and Idiots so I'm not sure why you brought it up.

Back to Idiots!

Yeah! Back to Idiots!...


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